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| Cimanggis, 2009. |
As far as I remember, I was a girl with so many sparks on her eyes. I was a girl with a very bright smile hanging on her face. I was a girl who enjoyed life because it was effortless and fun. I was a girl with a curious mind. I was a girl with a high-drive to succeed. I was a girl who never stops to shine like there will be no day for her not gleaming. Once, I put 'a ray of sunshine' as my bio. How dare I!
But right now, I am starting to lose that girl. I feel like I just want to disappear and be forgotten.
The question is, why? What happens? One might answer, life happens.
There are a lot of things happen in life, precisely my life. I have been through a lot of heartbreaks and disappointments. I don't always get something I want. I lost a lot. I am trapped with my own sadness. I feel stuck. I can't find my energy; it's nowhere to be found. I don't enjoy things I like anymore. It sucks, really.
If anyone asks me what I feel right now, I'm definitely going to answer: I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. My heart is pounding so fast. The anxiety surges. I have a thought 'what if I jump? How am I gonna be?' But deep down I know I will never jump. Maybe I can't control the thought, but I can control whether I jump or stand back and just admire the view.
Or sometimes I imagined myself living in a box. A very small box. Just me lying down and waiting for something I don't know exactly. There was also a time when I wondered 'how does it feel to be a hamster? Is it good? Are they happy?' Right after I saw three hamsters who were just eating, sleeping, and running on a wheel all day. Living just three of them in a glass box; not knowing what is outside. Weird thoughts, innit?
Every morning I wake up, hoping this day could be a very different day. But alas, it never happens. I am still down in the dumps day by day. There's no day I don't shed the tears that keep coming. I feel like I need to change. But I don't know how. All doubts and fear come right onto me. I understand that I need to focus only on one thing. On one damn thing.
But I can't.
My mind can suddenly wander freely from one idea to another. The idea that my mind should never roam. The idea that consists of the past and the future. The wretched past makes me hate myself. All the bad memories abruptly frighten me. Then there is the future, which makes me doubt myself. All the time.
Do you want to know what things that I keep asking and telling myself these past months?
'Why are you not forgiving and so full of hatred?'
'What are you afraid of?'
'Your ego is too big, stop it! Don't feed your ego!'
'You've never been alright since he left and it's traumatic. But please, keep going!'
'Don't hate yourself!'
'You should be more grateful'
'You are surrounded by nice and genuine people. Stop prejudice!'
'You are a failure'
I know all sounds so negative and I should stop it. But that's the truth—I keep telling to myself like that. I am so afraid to be fucked up because one of my biggest fear is failure. But the funny thing is I am already fucked up, aren't I?
There are a lot of things happen in life, precisely my life. I have been through a lot of heartbreaks and disappointments. I don't always get something I want. I lost a lot. I am trapped with my own sadness. I feel stuck. I can't find my energy; it's nowhere to be found. I don't enjoy things I like anymore. It sucks, really.
If anyone asks me what I feel right now, I'm definitely going to answer: I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. My heart is pounding so fast. The anxiety surges. I have a thought 'what if I jump? How am I gonna be?' But deep down I know I will never jump. Maybe I can't control the thought, but I can control whether I jump or stand back and just admire the view.
Or sometimes I imagined myself living in a box. A very small box. Just me lying down and waiting for something I don't know exactly. There was also a time when I wondered 'how does it feel to be a hamster? Is it good? Are they happy?' Right after I saw three hamsters who were just eating, sleeping, and running on a wheel all day. Living just three of them in a glass box; not knowing what is outside. Weird thoughts, innit?
Every morning I wake up, hoping this day could be a very different day. But alas, it never happens. I am still down in the dumps day by day. There's no day I don't shed the tears that keep coming. I feel like I need to change. But I don't know how. All doubts and fear come right onto me. I understand that I need to focus only on one thing. On one damn thing.
But I can't.
My mind can suddenly wander freely from one idea to another. The idea that my mind should never roam. The idea that consists of the past and the future. The wretched past makes me hate myself. All the bad memories abruptly frighten me. Then there is the future, which makes me doubt myself. All the time.
Do you want to know what things that I keep asking and telling myself these past months?
'If there's anyone who should be responsible with this, it's you'
'Why are you so stupid?''Why are you not forgiving and so full of hatred?'
'What are you afraid of?'
'Your ego is too big, stop it! Don't feed your ego!'
'You've never been alright since he left and it's traumatic. But please, keep going!'
'Don't hate yourself!'
'You should be more grateful'
'You are surrounded by nice and genuine people. Stop prejudice!'
'You are a failure'
I know all sounds so negative and I should stop it. But that's the truth—I keep telling to myself like that. I am so afraid to be fucked up because one of my biggest fear is failure. But the funny thing is I am already fucked up, aren't I?
For closing, I am just going to put the words here: dear girl, I miss you.
Love,
NM.
P.s:
My friends said that it's hard for them to know what's going on with my life unless I share it to my social media—and it rarely happens. Well, it's not because I don't want to share it with them, but I don't know how. I might say I'm good with words, but not the spoken kind. I might look secretive, but I guess, here on my blog I am such an open-book.
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