To My Best Friend

Hi. How is life, you?

Such an awkward starter to ask you like this. I know. But yeah this is me—your friend talking.

Are you still aware of what thing that I love to do every time I'm feeling down? I write. What do I do when I get sad? I write. What do I do when I am happy or grateful for life? I write. What do I do when I really want to express a or two or more feeling? I write.

Every big time, I write. And now, I write about you.

Hey, let me tell you a secret—which is going to be exposed.

I have a feeling that I start to lose you—and it sucks. It sucks that it happens too soon. It sucks that I'm aware—I'm not ready, yet, it sucks that you look okay while I am here bleeding. A little bit I guess because I don't want to be that miserable. I want to be okay—I want to look okay, just like you.

But I know, I can't.

I still have a vivid memory when you said to me: "Lo harus mulai cerita sama orang lain, gue kan nggak mungkin selalu ada."

Yes, I understand. I understand a lot that we have our own lives to go through. You do your thing and I do mine. But for me, myself, a person who is not easily comfortable to people even to tell my stories, it's hard. It's really hard. I secretly love to stay in comfort zone—and you are one of it. 

You were there when I was feeling left out by my surroundings. I was feeling left out because I only can listen and that's it. I can't talk about my problems; tell my stories because maybe I just don't trust them yet—and that takes time. It takes time for me to trust people.

"Nama - nama yang lo sebutin gue bisa nggak tau mereka siapa. Begitu pun lo. Makanya gue jarang cerita karena takut lo nggak paham.", said yourself to me that time. Well, fairly enough, I like to listen to your stories.

But here you are now, pushing me away. I am sorry if it is just me who feel so when maybe the reality is not like that. But I do feel it. I do.

There was one time I tweeted this in our Twitter account, yes our. Do you still remember that we have our Twitter account? 

On October 2nd, 2017: "Gue janji, gue nggak akan ninggalin! Selama keadaan nggak memaksa gue. Karena gue tahu, ujung - ujungnya gue yang nyesel kalau meninggalkan."

An honest saying from me which I wish it won't happen.

Because after all this time; after 10 years of us being friends,
I don't want to let this friendship slip away.

The last thing, I just want to show you an excerpt of Nadin Amizah's (@cakecaine) caption on her Instagram which I found fascinating for us to read. Unconsciously, maybe this is what drives me to write about you.

Dearest friend, every lines that cross path, part. 

Every friendship or whatever you call it ends as we grow up. 

And thus when our lines reach its end, and when we run out of places to go, food to eat, jokes to tell, 

Dearest friend, know that I will still love you. by your side or from the distance. 

I am your friend before anything else, so your happiness matter to me a lot more than anything else. 

Dearest person, every lines that cross path, will eventually part. 

I’m so familiar with the concept that I'm not afraid of goodbyes anymore. 

It is inevitable. sometimes it means forever. but a lot of times it just mean seeing each other years from now, for the first time after long. you with your loved one and me with my own, happy. 

or it could be just us. it could be just us, together, happy.

Dearest person, we do not know what the future may have on its hands. 

But may we always love, and forgive, and love. May we remember all the kindness, 

May we laugh again at how we smear pain on each other’s back and may we forgive.

After the silence fills the air and the only thing left to say is 

"I have been good to you, and you have been good to me. I’m grateful,” 

You, my dearest, will always have me behind your back. (or by your side)

—@Cakecaine's on her Instagram—

For all the togetherness that we had back then,
For all the memories that we created together,
For all the jokes, peals of laughter, and smiles that we put into life,
I gladly say that I am so grateful to be your friend.

Happy birthday, you.
Thank you for being born and being here and there. At those times. 

Wishing you the happiness you deserve. Always. 

To my May 31st person.

Love,

NM.

P.s: 

Nyet, I know I could be this annoying to some extent, apalagi dengan nulis - nulis begini, am I sound too selfish and childish? Tell me if I am dan mau maklumin gue nggak? *tetep annoying*. Satu hal yang akan selalu gue ulang - ulang: thank you for being my best friend ya since 12 years old and now you are 22. Selamat bertambah tua dan dewasa.