Dark Stormy Blue

Karimun Jawa, Agustus 2023.

Sinking ships, raging seas, and tumultuous hearts, love isn't easy for you. It's a struggle, a constant inner fight of should I? Can I? Do l? Feelings are hard and they rumble inside you in a dissatisfied mess that begs to be let out. Your heart screams and cries inside you and you.. You can't, you won't. You're scared. And love is scary, it's hard and sometimes it just doesn't work out. People leave, people hurt, people change their minds. And you and your cold stormy heart yearn for the calmness, for the distance, to be allowed and able to simply not feel. And yet, you do. It rages, it fights and storms inside you and you try to keep it down, keep it quiet, to feel pretending not to. It's the burn of childhood friends growing apart, of parents that aren't quite there, of relationships that burn out. So you snuff it down with water, cold and calming and blue, blue, blue. But being loved by you is blue too, just not in that way. It's the soothing, embracing feeling of floating, the moment when you sink down below the waves and become one with the water, with everything. It's the balance, the dramatic yet calming sound of waves that crash against a rocky shore. You're the good and the bad, the violence of the storm and the watery peace right after. You're the blue, blue feeling and loving you is watery tears, yelled confessions that no one will hear and burying your feelings in a deep watery grave never to be found out about. Your love is dark stormy blue, it's vast and deep and all encompassing, it's safety in the surface of danger, it's trusting the unruly abyss and yet I'd gladly risk drowning just to feel what it's like being loved by you.

Love,

NM.

A Vulnerable Journal

Photo by Gregory Pappas on Unsplash

Beberapa hari kemarin bener-bener uring-uringan plus marah. Marah banget sampai having breakdown + panas badan. Tapi nggak tau ke siapa dan apa aja pemicunya. Cuma tau satu: perasaan losing of hope. Ya apalagi kalau bukan losing of hope karena Covid-19 and how the government handle it.

Capek jujur lihat berita dan sekarang udah mulai ngurangin. Terus karena ngikutin anjuran untuk self-quarantine dan isolasi diri di kosan, pikiran malah bisa tambah ke mana-mana. Saya anaknya bisa banget nggak keluar kosan seminggu, dua minggu, tiga minggu; bisa. Tapi hawanya kemarin beda aja. Resah terus, nggak ngerasa aman.

Kepikiran pengen pulang, "tapi bahaya nggak ya? Gimana kalo misalnya saya carrier? Kalo nanti malah jadi pada sakit?" Duh takut. Bimbang lagi. Tapi saya di sini juga nggak ngerasa aman; ya tapi sejak kapan sih bisa ngerasa aman di negeri ini? Padahal negeri sendiri.

Setelah saya konsultasi dan tanya sana sini, oke, akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk pulang.

Terus pas udah mantep mau pulang, ada lagi pikiran ganggu, yang ngebuat saya sadar: ternyata at this current state saya masih butuh father figure ya. "Duh enak kali ya kayak orang-orang, tinggal minta jemput di situasi kayak gini." Ya tapi saya kan nggak bisa--harus cari cara sendiri gimana cara pulang. Kesel, nggak bisa tuh manja-manja. Padahal pengen.

Sampai saya bilang ke diri sendiri, "I swear to God, kalau saya sampai bisa balik bawa barang-barang sebanyak ini dengan nemu driver+mobil lewat usaha sendiri, I'm sure as hell I won't need anyone else in my life!!! Ever!!! I can live anywhere by my ownself!!!"

Saking desperate plus marahnya sampai bersumpah.

Tapi untungnya, saya bisa pulang dengan pertolongan dari Nyokap. Teknisi di kantor ada yang bisa jemput hari ini. Thank, God! Sumpahku nggak aci; nggak jadi hidup sendiri.

Sekarang alhamdulillah saya udah di rumah. Arrived safe and sound. Tinggal isolate myself aja untuk beberapa minggu ke depan di kamar; pun dari Nyokap. We'll see how it works deh. Takut aja jujur.

Semoga perasaan marah, emosi-emosi nggak penting, dan pikiran yang ganggu saya kayak gini nggak muncul lagi.

Semoga juga keadaan semakin membaik. Semoga juga kalian dan keluarga selalu sehat serta dilindungi olehNya. Beneran pengen banget ini cepet kelar terus ketemu plus main-main lagi. Miss you all. Jaga diri baik-baik.

Love,

NM.

Her on My Mind

Jakarta, 2013.

I am not lying that I miss being at home. I miss living in Sukatani where I can easily meet and catch up with people whom I consider as my forever person. Friends who always ask me whether I am at home or not every time the holiday comes. Oh, sure I miss them a lot.

But I can't imagine myself living in a place I used to call home. Living with her under one roof. It's not that I don't want to. It's just... I guess I need to adapt again. After five years of living apart, I should get used to it. And it's not easy.

One time she asked me, "Give me your honest opinion about me. About my parenting style." I couldn't answer directly. I took some time. I was on the verge of tears. I was about to cry. All the things that happened in my teenage years started to flashback. But then I choked up.

"Well, you've changed. For the better." I answered.

"You were so demanding back then. A little bit harsh. When something didn't happen the way you want it to be, you're upset. To us, your kids. You weren't that emotionally supportive." I continued 

"You didn't really like when we have different opinions/ideas. I guess you're not that open-minded. You hated debates, you hated discussion." Again, I continued.

"But I guess, you've changed now. Knowing that you're not upset when Anov—my brother—just got 2.90 for his first GPA. You're more calm and relaxed."

"Yah, dulu kan ada Papah. Jadi peran bisa dibagi dua." I was surprised by her answer.

"Wah, bahaya juga ya kalau Papah masih ada sampai sekarang. Mamah bakalan tetap kayak dulu." I just can't help.

If I looked back to the old-time, sure, almost all the time my Father held the "supporting" part. The nice guy part. I remember he came to my room at midnight because he heard me crying.

I cried because I didn't get the school she wanted. She kept silent and didn't talk to me for weeks.

I was hurt. Not only because of her actions but also when I was at a point where I really need support especially from her, I got nothing. I made my parents disappointed with me and I felt bad about myself. Thinking that I'll never be enough.

But there was him, the one who kept saying everything will be alright and that's okay.

Just when I thought she has changed, suddenly our topic moved into politic. I didn't even know how it started.

Oh, I remember!

It's when out of the blue she showed me a video where a leader of a political party persuades people to "makan babi" after the election. "Tuh, Kak, masa kamu support yang kayak gini?" she said. Later that I know it's just a hoax.

I told her I am amazed by how the youth now massively take part in politic to fight the corruption and the intolerance, just like this party did. I told her this before that video accident happen.

She then threw her phone furiously, angrily to bed when I couldn't agree with her idea. I was aghast. Sorry to say this, but politic is evil. It shouldn't be around family. Screw you politicians who use fear and anger as your power!

It's not that I am a fanatic, but I just don't like it when someone is treated unfairly. Hanya karena dia siapa, agamanya apa, atau siapa orang di belakangnya.

Still upset, she then continued, "untuk masalah yang kayak gini, Mamah tegas ya, kak."

I wonder what kind of problem is that? Is it about our different political views or is it about religion? For many times she told me that we have to choose a Moslem leader, but my question was, what's our president's religion again? Isn't the same with our religion? 

“Setiap orang bebas untuk memilih dan mempunyai keyakinan politiknya." This is what I believe. But I guess, I should let this go. I am actually not free.

Because parent's choice > “Setiap orang bebas untuk memilih dan mempunyai keyakinan politiknya."

We always think that there's an unconditional love out there between parents to their children. Parental love. Let me tell you something: dead this lie.

I read this somewhere: "Queer kids can't come out to their parents. Non-religious kids have to fake their parents' religion. Parents love what they project on their kids and get angry when they don't live up to them."

I second that not because I am a queer or non-religious kid, because I am not. But because it's true that most of the time it happens to us; kids. To me, personally, and it creates a childhood trauma I might say.

A trauma that creates distress. A trauma that causes me to think that I'll never be good enough because I haven't met certain standards.

I am still trying to overcome these past traumatic experiences, hoping that one day I can successfully make peace with it.

People might think that I'm a selfish, ignorant, and ungrateful kid, well, they might be true. But that doesn't mean I don't love her. This piece of writing doesn't define that I hate her, because I don't.

As a person, she's a great one. A strong woman figure that I personally look up to. A hard-working, unyielding, inspiring person. A selfless one also. She will do anything for her kids. After losing her husband, she took over a company that she never had an idea about it before. But as a fast learner, she continuously does great and greater.

And I love her despite our differences on almost everything.


Love,
NM.

I am Starting to Lose Her

Cimanggis, 2009.

As far as I remember, I was a girl with so many sparks on her eyes. I was a girl with a very bright smile hanging on her face. I was a girl who enjoyed life because it was effortless and fun. I was a girl with a curious mind. I was a girl with a high-drive to succeed. I was a girl who never stops to shine like there will be no day for her not gleaming. Once, I put 'a ray of sunshine' as my bio. How dare I!

But right now, I am starting to lose that girl. I feel like I just want to disappear and be forgotten.

The question is, why? What happens? One might answer, life happens. 

There are a lot of things happen in life, precisely my life. I have been through a lot of heartbreaks and disappointments. I don't always get something I want. I lost a lot. I am trapped with my own sadness. I feel stuck. I can't find my energy; it's nowhere to be found. I don't enjoy things I like anymore. It sucks, really.

If anyone asks me what I feel right now, I'm definitely going to answer: I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. My heart is pounding so fast. The anxiety surges. I have a thought 'what if I jump? How am I gonna be?' But deep down I know I will never jump. Maybe I can't control the thought, but I can control whether I jump or stand back and just admire the view.

Or sometimes I imagined myself living in a box. A very small box. Just me lying down and waiting for something I don't know exactly. There was also a time when I wondered 'how does it feel to be a hamster? Is it good? Are they happy?' Right after I saw three hamsters who were just eating, sleeping, and running on a wheel all day. Living just three of them in a glass box; not knowing what is outside. Weird thoughts, innit?

Every morning I wake up, hoping this day could be a very different day. But alas, it never happens. I am still down in the dumps day by day. There's no day I don't shed the tears that keep coming. I feel like I need to change. But I don't know how. All doubts and fear come right onto me. I understand that I need to focus only on one thing. On one damn thing.

But I can't.

My mind can suddenly wander freely from one idea to another. The idea that my mind should never roam. The idea that consists of the past and the future. The wretched past makes me hate myself. All the bad memories abruptly frighten me. Then there is the future, which makes me doubt myself. All the time.

Do you want to know what things that I keep asking and telling myself these past months?

'If there's anyone who should be responsible with this, it's you'

'Why are you so stupid?'
'Why are you not forgiving and so full of hatred?'
'What are you afraid of?'
'Your ego is too big, stop it! Don't feed your ego!'
'You've never been alright since he left and it's traumatic. But please, keep going!'
'Don't hate yourself!'
'You should be more grateful'
'You are surrounded by nice and genuine people. Stop prejudice!'
'You are a failure'

I know all sounds so negative and I should stop it. But that's the truth—I keep telling to myself like that. I am so afraid to be fucked up because one of my biggest fear is failure. But the funny thing is I am already fucked up, aren't I?

For closing, I am just going to put the words here: dear girl, I miss you.

Love,
NM.

P.s: 

My friends said that it's hard for them to know what's going on with my life unless I share it to my social media—and it rarely happens. Well, it's not because I don't want to share it with them, but I don't know how. I might say I'm good with words, but not the spoken kind. I might look secretive, but I guess, here on my blog I am such an open-book.

How I see Myself on Romantic Relationships

Phnom Penh, 2017.

Manusia dilahirkan dan diciptakan dengan keadaan serta karakteristik yang berbeda—menjadikan setiap manusia sebagai individu yang unik. Namun, tidak serta merta perbedaan dianggap menjadi hal positif. Bagi sebagian orang perbedaan menjadi hal yang mengancam ketika mereka tidak mengenal siapa diri mereka. Manusia akan cenderung takut untuk menjadi berbeda dengan orang lain—dengan kelompok mayoritas. Untuk itu diperlukanlah kemampuan seseorang untuk dapat menilai dan mengenali diri mereka masing-masing lebih dalam.

Esai ini membahas tentang perbedaan tiap-tiap attachment style (gaya hubungan dan keterikatan seseorang dengan orang lain) dan ways of viewing romantic relationships (cara pandang seseorang terhadap orang lain/pasangan dalam hubungan romantis). Serta akan disimpulkan juga mengenai konflik apa yang mungkin muncul dengan attachment style dan ways of viewing yang dimiliki ketika menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang. Terlepas dari itu, esai ini juga bertujuan untuk mengenali diri saya lebih lanjut dalam kedua hal tersebut.

Attachment Style: Pengertian dan Penjelasan

Attachment style mengacu pada sebuah cara di mana seseorang berhubungan dengan orang lain; apakah orang itu akan sangat bergantung dengan orang lain atau tidak. Gaya ini akan mempengaruhi segala hal dari mulai bagaimana seseorang akan memilih pasangan, bagaimana seseorang akan mengatur dan menjaga hubungan itu, dan juga mempengaruhi bagaimana sebuah hubungan akan berakhir.

Dengan mengetahui attachment style yang dimiliki, maka seseorang akan lebih mengerti kekuatan dan kelemahannya dalam sebuah hubungan. Menurut PsychAlive, cara seseorang dalam berhubungan dengan orang lain telah dibentuk pada saat awal mula kehidupan orang tersebut; during the first two years. Namun menurut Dr. Lisa Firestone, “The attachment style you developed as a child based on your relationship with a parent or early caretaker doesn’t have to define your ways of relating to those you love in your adult life.”

John Bowlby dan Mary Ainsworth menemukan beberapa attachment style yang terjadi di antara anak-anak dengan pengasuhnya. Lalu pada tahun 1980an, Cindy Hazan dan Phillip Saver mengaplikasikan teori attachment style ini pada orang-orang dewasa. Hazan dan Shaver melihat bahwa ada kesamaan antara hubungan anak-anak dan pengasuhnya dengan hubungan orang dewasa—romantic relationship. Terdapat empat attachment style yang ditemukan: secure style, dismissing style, preoccupied style, dan avoidant style.

Secure Style

Orang dengan secure style cenderung akan puas dengan hubungan yang sedang dijalani karena ia memiliki penghargaan diri dan kepercayaan yang tinggi pada pasangannya. Sehingga mereka akan merasa aman meskipun mereka membebaskan pasangannya pergi ke mana saja—karena mereka percaya. 

Dismissing Style

Orang dengan attachment style ini akan memiliki tendensi untuk menjauh dengan orang lain atau pasangannya. Mereka akan lebih mengisolasi diri dan merasa ”pseudo-independent”. Biasanya memiliki penghargaan diri yang tinggi namun kepercayaan pada orang lain rendah.

Preoccupied Style

Beda dengan orang yang menganut secure style, dengan cara ini orang cenderung akan terlihat desperate dan haus akan perasaan emosional, seperti ingin dicintai atau ingin dipercaya dengan pasangannya. Sehingga akan terlihat bahwa orang ini sangat bergantung dan lekat dengan orang lain yang malah akan membuat pasangannya pergi. Biasanya memiliki penghargaan diri yang rendah namun kepercayaannya tinggi.

Avoidant Style

Orang dengan cara ini akan hidup pada stase yang ambivalent, di mana dia merasa takut dekat dan takut jauh dengan orang lain atau pasangannya. Biasanya memiliki penghargaan diri dan kepercayaan yang rendah. Sehingga dia tidak memiliki strategi yang terorganisir untuk dipenuhi kebutuhannya oleh orang lain. 

My Attachment Style

Setelah mengetahui keempat attachment style yang ada, saya mengetahui bahwa dismissing style adalah cara saya. Bisa dibilang saya merupakan orang yang ambivert—terkadang dapat menjadi extrovert tapi di lain sisi saya butuh untuk sendiri. Mungkin seharusnya saya memiliki cara yang avoidant dalam berhubungan, namun jika ditanya apakah saya seimbang merasakan takut untuk terlalu dekat dan terlalu jauh dengan orang lain, jawabannya adalah tidak. Saya lebih takut ketika orang lain ingin mengenal saya lebih jauh. Saya takut mereka akan menjadi clingy terhadap saya, memegang erat saya dan menjadikan saya bagian darinya. Padahal saya bukanlah tipe orang yang dapat stay di satu tempat. Saya tidak bisa terjerat singkatnya. 

Dalam perkuliahan ini bisa dibilang saya memiliki banyak peer-group. Ada kelompok untuk bermain (hangout), ada kelompok untuk belajar bersama, ada kelompok untuk menjalankan hobi yang sama, atau kelompok untuk bercerita dan berdiskusi. Namun ketika saya dihadapkan dengan kelompok-kelompok tersebut (semua anggota berkumpul dan percakapan bukan antar satu anggota dengan anggota lainnya) saya cenderung tidak akan membicarakan masalah pribadi saya. Saya seringkali hanya mendengarkan, menimpali siapa yang sedang berbicara, dan membicarakan topik yang umum-umum saja. 

Namun bukan berarti saya tidak bisa dekat dengan salah satu anggota dari peer-group yang ada. Saya lebih senang menceritakan hal-hal yang pribadi dengan orang yang dekat dengan saya, dengan orang yang memang sudah saya percaya. Bisa jadi salah satu dari mereka adalah orang yang saya percaya. Tetapi biasanya sulit bagi saya untuk mempercayai orang lain; saya butuh waktu. 

Orang bilang setidaknya manusia harus memiliki satu ‘rumah’ untuk kembali pulang. Bagi saya sekarang, rumah saya adalah sahabat laki-laki saya. Padanya, saya bisa menceritakan apapun dari hal-hal umum sampai hal pribadi. Saya bisa menjadi diri saya dan saya tahu bahwa dia menerima saya apa adanya. Sehingga itu yang membuat saya nyaman. Mungkin hanya dia satu-satunya orang yang membuat saya bergantung (biasanya saya merasa tidak enak kalau meminta bantuan dan bergantung pada orang lain). Tapi tetap saja, saya tidak pernah merasa takut jika suatu saat ia pergi dan saya harus kehilangannya (bohong! Ternyata saya takut). In the end, I think, we will live all alone and we only have ourselves.

Untuk saat ini, saya tidak memiliki hubungan romantis pada siapapun. Perasaan suka? Cinta? Rasanya tidak ada. Seringkali saya menanyakan pada diri saya, kenapa saya selalu takut jika ada seseorang lawan jenis yang mendekati saya dan saya tahu maksudnya dia; menginginkan lebih dari sekadar teman. Biasanya saya langsung menjauh darinya dan berujung saya kesal pada diri saya—kenapa saya terlalu jahat menjadi seorang perempuan. 

Tapi jujur, mungkin saya takut tersakiti atau saya memang orang yang sinis terhadap urusan cinta-cintaan. Tambah lagi menurut saya, hubungan romantis di masa sekarang tidak begitu penting. Masih banyak tujuan serta cita-cita yang harus dicapai. Apalagi saya masih nyaman dengan kesendirian, serta kesepian bukanlah hal yang menakutkan bagi saya. 

Ways of Viewing Romantic Relationships: Pengertian dan Pembahasan

Seperti yang sudah dikatakan sebelumnya bahwa manusia memiliki karakteristik yang berbeda satu sama lain, pada sub-bab ini akan dibahas mengenai perbedaan cara pandang seseorang kepada orang lain. Dalam menjalin hubungan dengan orang lain, ada tiga kecenderungan seseorang dalam memandang pasangannya yaitu social exchange, social role, dan game. Ketiga hal tersebut pasti ada dalam karakteristik manusia, tidak mungkin ada orang yang hanya memiliki satu kecenderungan saja dalam way of viewing. 

Social Exchange

Teori ini menjelaskan bahwa hubungan yang dibuat oleh seseorang dengan orang lain adalah hubungan yang memberi manfaat penuh pada dirinya dan meminimalisir biaya yang dikeluarkan. Menurut teori ini, seseorang dianggap self-centered dan tidak peduli adanya kesetaraan. Menurut Erin Long-Crowell, “The basic idea is that relationships that give us the most benefits for the least amount of effort are the ones we value the most and are likely to keep long-term.”

Social Role

Cara pandang manusia terhadap orang lain yang kedua adalah social role. Dalam menjalin suatu hubungan menurut teori ini, seseorang akan cenderung menentukan peran-peran apa yang seharusnya dilakukan dalam sebuah hubungan. Sehingga seseorang akan memiliki standar penilaian tersendiri dengan pasangannya mengenai peran dan tingkah laku.

Game

Cara pandang ini memaksa orang lain yang ada dalam hubungan untuk menderita. Artinya, seseorang akan dilihat sebagai the only person who takes the benefits. Dia akan melakukan apapun untuk memuaskan diri mereka meskipun orang lain menderita.

My Ways of Viewing Romantic Relationships

Pada dasarnya seseorang tidak mungkin hanya cenderung dengan satu way of viewing saja. Setidaknya, ketiganya pasti dimiliki dan saya sadar bahwa saya memiliki ketiganya meskipun ada kecenderungan yang lebih pada social role lalu disusul dengan social exchange.

Menurut saya, saat saya menjalin hubungan dengan orang lain, saya akan memandang mereka dengan peran-peran yang sudah ditetapkan. Saya tidak suka jika ada seseorang yang tidak tahu apa yang harus dilakukannya, setidaknya mereka tahu apa yang harus dilakukan. Seringkali saya memiliki teman yang tidak tahu apa yang harus dilakukan saat dalam kondisi dan situasi tertentu. Seperti bagaimana bersikap ke pacarnya yang terlalu posesif, bagaimana membalas chat gebetannya, atau sesederhana keputusan apa yang harus diambil ketika ingin memakai baju untuk pergi ke suatu tempat. Hal-hal temeh seperti itu seharusnya sudah bisa dilakukan sendiri tanpa ada intervensi dari orang lain. Karena jelas bahwa masalah dan problematika kehidupannya dengan orang lain itu yang tahu hanyalah dia dengan orang yang bersangkutan. 

Juga dalam bertindak saya tidak suka bila ada seseorang yang bertindak semaunya, istilahnya dia tidak tahu tempat. Pernah suatu ketika ada seseorang kakak tingkat yang sedang presentasi tetapi dia melakukan itu sambil bercanda. Sambil tertawa—membuat jokes—dan berbicara yang tidak ada kaitannya dengan materi presentasi—yang sama sekali menurut saya tidak lucu. Saya heran mengapa ada orang yang dapat bertindak seperti itu.

Hal lainnya yang mendorong saya cenderung lebih ke social role adalah saya memiliki standar penilaian tersendiri untuk mengatakan bagaimana seseorang dapat dikatakan baik dan bagaimana tidak. Sampai-sampai saya memiliki kriteria sendiri untuk pacar dan suami idaman saya—dan mungkin ini menjadi salah satu faktor mengapa sampai sekarang saya masih saja belum memiliki pacar terlepas dari kenyamanan saya akan kesendirian. 

Selain saya memandang seseorang dengan social role, ada kecenderungan saya memandang orang lain dengan social exchange. Jelas bahwa telah menjadi naluri manusia untuk memiliki suatu hubungan yang dapat memberikan manfaat bagi dirinya dan saya pun begitu. Saya akan lebih memilih untuk menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang yang memang memberikan dampak positif atau manfaat bagi kehidupan saya kedepan. 

Jika dibilang saya murni melakukan social exchange tanpa mempedulikan adanya keadilan dan kesetaraan, bisa dibilang saya tidak seperti itu. Saya masih ingin berlaku adil dalam proses take and give. Terlebih-lebih saya merasa tidak apa-apa jika hanya memberi tanpa diberi timbal-balik. Walaupun ada kalanya saya berbuat seperti itu demi kebutuhan saya nantinya.

Saya selalu berpikir bahwa manusia memang tidak bisa hidup sendiri, pasti ada kalanya manusia itu membutuhkan orang lain untuk bersandar dan memenuhi kebutuhannya. Maka dari itu, setiap saya melakukan kebaikan dan memberi manfaat pada orang lain saya merasa seperti menabung. Semakin banyak saya menebar kebaikan, saya yakin akan semakin banyak pula kebaikan yang akan saya dapatkan nantinya. Sehingga saya mencoba untuk tidak bermasalah dengan orang lain karena menurut saya, saya pasti akan membutuhkan bantuan mereka suatu saat nanti. Saya rasa saya tipikal orang yang jarang kecewa ketika budi baik saya tidak dibalas dengan orang lain. Karena memang pada dasarnya, saya ingin memberi lebih daripada orang lain itu. 

Seperti yang sudah saya katakan sebelumnya bahwa saya memiliki banyak peer-group yang bertujuan untuk memenuhi kebutuhan saya. Saya yakin semakin banyak kelompok bermain yang dimiliki maka akan semakin cepat kebutuhan saya yang terpenuhi dan semakin banyak manfaat yang bisa saya ambil. 

Tapi tidak selamanya kelompok bermain yang saya ikuti selalu bersama. Dari sekolah dasar sampai sekarang, kelompok yang masih saya ikuti perkembangannya bisa dihitung dengan jari. Mengapa? Karena saya sadar, ketika kelompok itu sudah tidak memberi manfaat atau berdampak positif kepada saya, maka saya akan keluar dan pergi. 

Potensi Konflik Antara Attachment Style dan Ways of Viewing yang Saya Miliki

Kecenderungan seseorang dalam memandang orang lain dapat berujung konflik jika dikaitkan dengan attachment stylenya. Saya sebagai seseorang yang memiliki cara dan gaya berhubungan yang dismissing style akan menemui sejumlah konflik dengan cara pandang saya terhadap orang lain secara social role dan social exchange.

Potensi konflik pertama yang timbul ketika saya berhubungan dengan orang lain adalah saya akan cenderung kesulitan dalam memenuhi kebutuhan saya. Saya sadar bahwa saya memandang seseorang dengan social exchange di mana saya akan taking the benefits and minimalizing the costs from the relationship. Tapi karena saya merupakan seseorang yang dismissing, maka ketika saya ingin mengambil suatu manfaat dari hubungan, saya kesulitan karena saya lebih senang untuk melakukan apa-apa sendiri. Sehingga kebutuhan saya tidak dapat terpenuhi, padahal saya sangat membutuhkan hal itu misalnya. 

Kedua, orang-orang yang belum mengenal saya lebih jauh akan sulit menerima saya karena saya akan terlihat seperti orang yang independent dan tidak butuh siapapun. Sehingga orang lain cenderung tidak ingin memiliki hubungan dengan saya, karena mungkin mereka akan beranggapan bahwa saya tidak dapat memberikan perlakuan timbal balik kepadanya. Padahal saya bisa memberi lebih dari apa yang mereka pinta, seperti yang telah saya katakan bahwa lebih baik saya memberi daripada saya mengambil istilahnya. Namun, butuh waktu untuk saya berlaku seperti itu; saya tidak mudah percaya orang lain.

Potensi konflik lainnya adalah, jika saya memiliki pasangan, maka bisa ditebak bahwa pasangan saya akan sangat merasa kesulitan. Saya cenderung akan membuat jarak lebih dulu ketika marah atau ada masalah, sehingga kami mungkin akan sulit menyelesaikan konflik yang ada lebih cepat. Selain itu, ada kemungkinan saya membiarkan pasangan menebak-nebak apa kesalahannya tanpa memberi tahu secara langsung. Sehingga di sini akan sering terjadi kesalahpahaman dengan apa yang seharusnya dilakukan oleh pasangan saya dan sikap apa yang seharusnya tidak dilakukan olehnya. Saya mungkin juga akan menunjukkan sikap saya yang sok kuat dibandingkan sikap-sikap lemah saya atau sikap vulnerable saya kepada pasangan. 

Love,
NM.

About Power of Powerlessness: #AATuesdayLoveLetters

I might say that I am not in the best condition right now; feeling demotivated, down, anxious, stressed, and sad all the time. So many things should be done and going on but I can't keep myself on track. I feel like I am losing myself more and more. I feel so powerless.

Until Tuesday morning when an e-mail suddenly popped-up in my inbox. It was Aida Azlin's Tuesday Love Letter. I have been subscribing her love letter this year and today's love letter successfully slapped me right on my face. It was about the power of powerlessness. It talked about me!

We tend to forget that sometimes we do not have much strength and power to figure everything out. We act as if we can figure everything out without any helps. We act like we are so big in this world while we actually are small.

So here they are, some words that I would like to keep to myself—to remind me that it is okay to be powerless. That you are not alone. That you always have Him in this life to go through anything.

Love,
NM.

Tentang Meninggalkan atau Ditinggalkan

Bali, 2016.

Saya baru sadar bahwa saya sepengecut itu. Memilih untuk meninggalkan sebelum saya tertinggal nantinya. I wish that cutting people off isn't an easy act for me. Tapi kenyataannya, saya bisa dengan mudah memangkas segala hubungan yang saya rasa tidak perlu lagi–yang saya rasa, hanya tinggal saya yang berusaha. Berusaha untuk memperjuangkan hubungan tersebut.

Walaupun segala pangkasan yang ada berujung dengan saya berada di pojok ruang sendirian. Hampa. Terpuruk. Lalu memakan habis semua kesedihan. Kesedihan yang muncul akibat rasa rindu yang tak terbalas. Jangankan berharap rindu itu terbalas, tersampaikan saja tidak.

Tahu kenapa saya lebih memilih untuk meninggalkan? Karena, menurut saya, meninggalkan tidak akan sesakit jika harus ditinggalkan. Being left alone always hurts me that much. Apalagi jika orang yang meninggalkan adalah orang yang tidak pernah sekalipun terbesit di otak saya mampu melakukannya.  Karena saya pikir, "oh, you will be beside me forever" Tapi nyatanya, tentu tidak. Kalau kata Brian McKnight, "forever was shorter than what I was thinking".

Itu adalah kenyataan pahit pertama.

Kenyataan pahit kedua adalah ternyata rasa sakitnya sama saja. Menjadi orang yang ditinggalkan dan menjadi orang yang meninggalkan. Sama saja. Tak ada yang lebih baik atau lebih menguntungkan.

Saya cukup menyesal sebenarnya. Ada banyak "seharusnya, seharusnya, seharusnya" yang berputar di otak. Seperti seharusnya saya bertahan, seharusnya saya terus berusaha. But I guess I am not that capable of this–holding on to a relationship where I am the only one who try to make it work.

Because remember, it always takes two to tango.


Love,
NM.

Otherhood (2019)

Best quotes from Otherhood (2019).

Love,

NM.

Reflect to Renew

Taman Situ Lembang, Menteng

Before it is way too late, I'd happily say happy new year 2019. It's January 29th already, see how punctual I am to have this writing posted. I have a plan to write and read more this year just because I need to be productive and those activities help me to keep sane. (Can I write at least one blog post every month? Please semangatin saya untuk terus menulis hahaha.) 

Kadang kalau memang tidak sempat menulis di blog, saya akan membuka jurnal harian dan menulis di sana. I call it as my therapy session and it really helps me to keep a note about my mental and emotional health. Seperti hal apa yang mungkin membuat saya uring - uringan di hari itu atau hal sederhana yang menebarkan kebahagiaan. 

Saya memulai bulan Januari ini dengan berjalan - jalan di daerah Menteng bersama Mutia, one of my best friend and I'm so sure I'm going to keep her as my forever person. Tepat di hari tahun baru, yaitu tanggal 1 Januari. Entah ide datang dari mana untuk merencanakan hal ini. Tapi yang jelas, we need to get out from our houses and find a breath of fresh air. Sampai di daerah Menteng kebetulan sore hari dengan suasana yang mendung. Untungnya sudah sedia payung sebelum hujan.

Taman Menteng.

Ada satu tempat yang sebenarnya ingin kami kunjungi pada saat itu, namanya Paradigma Kafe. The hidden gem in Cikini, katanya. Namun karena cuaca yang tidak memungkinkan, kami membatalkan rencana itu. Toh jika nanti ke sana, kami juga tidak bisa menikmati suasana taman dengan rerumputan yang asik buat ngobrol - ngobrol dan chillax; chill and relax. Akhirnya kami putuskan untuk mencoba pizza dan gelato di Iceberg. Lokasinya masih seputaran Cikini dan dekat dengan stasiun.

Iceberg Pizza and Gelato, Cikini.

Selama berjalan - jalan menyusuri Menteng dan Cikini, saya terbesit satu jawaban atas pertanyaan yang dulu pernah saya ajukan. "Kenapa sih di Jakarta atau Depok nggak ada taman - taman kayak gini?" ketika saya menyusuri taman - taman di Bangkok atau Ho Chi Minh City. Ternyata saya yang salah dan sayanya saja yang kurang banyak jelajah. Pun di Depok juga sudah banyak ruang terbuka hijau yang bisa dikunjungi. Karena jujur, saya suka sekali taman kota maupun ruang terbuka hijau lainnya.

Arborea Cafe, Senayan. Another place that I've visited this January.

Well, sejatinya postingan ini tidak hanya untuk menceritakan bagaimana saya memulai tahun 2019. Tetapi juga bagaimana saya merefleksikan apa yang telah terjadi selama tahun 2018. Reflect to renew. Saya dapatkan kalimat itu dari Mark Pollard, salah satu strategic planning man yang selalu saya ikuti perkembangannya. One of an advertising guy that I look up to.

Mark dalam salah satu postingan Instagramnya menulis, "Writing is powerful. Reflection, too. There is a lot of compelling research about this. Humans have the gift and responsibility to establish what is meaningful to them. An inability to do this and then to act with courage to bring the meaning to life contributes to a lot of (definitely not all) mental health challenges." Dalam postingan tersebut Mark juga menyematkan sepuluh pertanyaan yang bisa dijawab kapanpun—tapi lebih baik sebelum pergantian tahun baru. Nah, di sini saya ingin coba menjawab kesepuluh pertanyaan tersebut. And let's see what can be reflected from my 2018 to renew my 2019.

1. What was the most significant decision you made this year? What has happened since you made it?

Di tahun 2018 ada beberapa keputusan penting yang saya ambil. Saya sadar bahwa saya akan lulus lebih lama dibandingkan teman - teman saya. I spent one semester in Phnom Penh as an exchanged student, then three months internship in one of a multinational advertising agency in Jakarta, also ± four months working in a local digital agency in Semarang. All those experiences came from my significant decision. Jujur, berat memang menjadi yang terlambat. Tapi karena saya sudah tahu akan terlambat, saya tidak ingin terlambat saya hanya 'terlambat' saja. I wanted to make it worth. What has happened since I made it? Well, along the way I met certain people that makes me so grateful I met them in life. Ada yang jadi teman baik, mentor (terpenting!), dan role model tentunya. Walaupun ada juga yang (maaf saya harus mengutip Ariana Grande di sini) "one taught me patience and one taught me pain". But hey, that's life. Every thing should be balanced, right?

2. Do you now have a skill you didn't have last year? Why did you develop it and how?

Thanks to my supervisor plus mentor, now I do have. It's about brand planning. He knew that I am so interested in advertising but still have no idea where I would belong. I really love the industry. Then he introduced me to brand planning and the skills how to be one; what brand planner needs to know and do. Jujur bukan hanya mengenalkan tapi juga mengajarkan, ini yang terpenting. Bukan sekadar memberikan files atau pdf bersangkutan tanpa ada diskusi setelahnya, big no. I can't be more thankful for having him as my mentor. Ah and not to mention for everyone whom I meet during my internship time and taught me a lot about brand planning and other skills that are needed in the advertising industry.

3. Did a stranger change how you see the world in a good way? How?

Ada. Bapak Gojek yang mengantarkan saya dari Stasiun Tebet ke Gran Rubina saat hari pertama magang. (Ampun, kenapa momen - momen ketika magang saya berkesan semua ya?). Terlepas dari kemacetan jalan waktu itu yang entah bagaimana kok parah sekali dan suara klakson mobil yang terdengar di mana - mana, si Bapak masih bisa looking at the bright side. Terharu. Lalu ditambah dengan rasanya commuterline pagi itu sesaknya nggak bisa dideskripsiin lagi, terombang - ambing dan roti tawar saya jadi penyet. Tapi dengan ketemu Bapak itu, saya jadi bisa ikut lihat sisi positifnya aja; saya nggak telat hari pertama. Bapaknya juga nggak lupa bilang, semoga sukses hari pertama magangnya dan cepat kerja. Rasanya kayak mau salim aja waktu itu.

4. Do you better understand yourself now compared to last year? How?

Yes, I do. Di tahun 2018 saya mulai paham diri saya bahwa I tend to keep everything for myself; feelings, thoughts, emotions. Benar - benar untuk diri saya sendiri. Salahnya adalah saya juga tidak menuliskannya. They are just there in my mind; the anguish trapped within me. And when I keep so much inside, it eats me from within. As a result, well, drastic mood swings and I tend to get offended on petty things without realizing it. Tanya salah satu teman saya yang pernah merasakan 'kesalahan' saya ini, ya benar, karena hal yang mungkin remeh ini akhirnya kami jadi berselisih. Sampai akhirnya saya menemukan fakta bahwa teman - teman saya yang lain ikut mendiskusikan dan mengambil kesimpulan bahwa, "Mungkin moodnya lagi nggak baik waktu itu, Nikita kan nggak kayak gitu (marah karena hal remeh)". Baik. Well, I hope I could communicate my thought, feeling and emotion better this year; still through writing. Dan juga tidak malu untuk mengakui bahwa perasaan yang dimiliki bukan perasaan yang baik - baik saja.

5. What was something you read this year that changed your mind about an important topic? How?

Hmm, tahun 2018 agaknya saya jarang membaca buku yang masuk dalam kategori life-changing books atau buku - buku yang dapat mengembangkan pikiran lalu mengubah cara pandang hidup. Lebih banyak novel yang saya baca dan saya suka Laut Bercerita serta Norwegian Wood di tahun 2018.

6. Did you have an epiphany in a phase or space you visited for the first time this year? Where? What was it?

A little epiphany happened to me in Kampot, Cambodia. It's a secret.

7. What did you learn from a client or customer this year? 

"Not everyone thinks the same way as you do."

8. What's the biggest thing in your way right now? How can you work through it?

Skripsi. Just do it.

9. What was the best show you binge-watched this year? What about it stuck with you?

Oh, it is always Friends and will always be Friends. It's like a feel-good tv show that keeps my mood stable and happy.

10. What's your word for 2019—one word to anchor your focus and action?

Rekindle. Yes, 2019 is going to be a goal-oriented year for me. But the suitable word for 2019 is rekindle. To rekindle my goals again; my dreams, and to rekindle the old flame with my north stars; people who are so much a part of us that they will be with us no matter what.

So let's hope this year is going to be awesome. Shall we?


Love,
NM.

60 Things to The One Who Was

001. Him: #simplejoy.

002. Senyumnya serius. #simplejoy.

003. I don't like the feeling when you're not around. I don't like hearing you talk with another girl.

004. Caught someone staring at me then smiled. Oh my goodness!

005. Someone is kind but cruel, smart but lazy.

006. I think you need an ice cube to lower your hotness.

007. That smell still lingers. That smile will be remembered.

008. I crave for you in this new year eve.

009. Can I have you instead of can I help you?

010. God always knows how to put the right person when I'm not in the right mood.

011. A heavy dose of you.

012. It's so funny when you try to make things better. And it seems it's easy for you.

013. A new habit, a new life. But the same you.

014. Oh, this is me talking and I’m going to tell you that I love our three seconds gaze.

015. The sweetest thing comes from your lips. No, not your words or even your kiss. It’s your smile.

016. It’s the pain that makes me love you.

017. Because we're here to complete each other, not to be together. Just like when you need help, I'll be there to help you.

018. I don't understand why someone can be so sweet as candy and so cold as stone at the same time.

019. Do you know how painful it is without talking to you every time we meet?

020. Talking about you, talking about me, and talking about us are awkward. But talking about her? Will never be awkward. Never. Even for me.

021. And it's really hard for me to say, even for a little hello.

022. Thank you for blinding your eyes.

023. Because right now, I don't adore you for who you are. But adore you for who you were.

024. You'll never know how much I hate you this time. Pain changes people, either their feelings.

025. It really surprises me to see you again, the real you. And still, you bring the oh-not-so-good impacts to my life.

026. If we were meant to be, I think our favorite place would be a bookstore. But in a different section, because our cup of tea is different.

027. I don't know whether it's a bad thing or not, but having you in my thought seriously bothers me.

028. You know you’re not my oxygen tank because I still can breathe without you, but you’re my energy tank (what? Sounds so weird? No probs because weird means unique. And if you think that energy is just suitable with drink after that word, I still don’t want to call you my energy drink because I can’t sip you) Maybe you wonder why I call you with that one because everytime I’m with you for doing nothing or just talking a little bit, you always bring back my energy.

029. Every time I spend with you are the times I won't regret.

030. The closer I look into your eyes, the less I see myself in there.

031. Something's missing from you. I don't know which part, but it seriously makes you look unattractive. Same with Andy F. Noya who just lost his curly hair.

032. You turn really cold.

033. Jadi kenangan gue sama lo udah dijual ke tukang ojek?

034. Even your scent stays longer than your presence.

035. Have you ever wonder that maybe your significant other is thinking about the other one she loves and not you?

036. I can’t imagine how miserable your life will be without her. Will you still be the one I know? Will you still be as cheerful as you? Will you still believe in love? Will you? Or you will back to be the one I loved the most? Oh no, it won’t happen because heartbreak never shapes yourself to be the old you. Please still be happy, you. Because I know, in the end, the important thing is knowing that you live your life happily rather than knowing how wistful I’m without you.

037. You're the reason why my brain can't produce dopamine perfectly and continuously.

038. Can we go back to the time when it's okay for us to talk to each other?

039. Teruntuk Seseorang yang Hampir Terjatuh di Tangga Siang Tadi: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Gue mau ketawa aja. Please don’t be angry with me. Remember that I used to laugh at you everytime you did a silly thing, right? Well, tapi gue sebel. Lo nggak hati - hati. Udah berapa tangga yang hampir dijatohin sama lo? Yes. It doesn’t sound so funny. Karena gue juga nggak mau ngelucu. Jatoh dari tangga itu akibatnya banyak. Bahaya. You should walk in a proper way after this, dear friend.

040. Well, I can make you so much happier if you want.

041. Jatuh cintanya gue sama UGM itu kayak jatuh cintanya gue sama doi. Jatuh banget. But I know, I will never get him anyway. Sakit? Iya! Luka? Bisa jadi! Trauma? Nggak. “Kenapa nggak bisa?” Bukannya gue nggak mau usaha, (yes, I’ll work hard and try harder for UGM. Gila kali.) Tapi keliatannya it’s impossible for me to get in, you know. Peluangnya maksud gue kecil. Ya kayak cinta diem - diem aja sih. Apa cinta dari jauh ya? Auk. Dan biarlah keinginan gue mau masuk UGM ini cuma diselipin ke setiap doa gue, kecil - kecil pelan - pelan, tapi semoga yang Besar denger.

042. Come home then love again, love.

043. You're like Jakarta, you're loved as well as you're hated.

044. Can I have your eyes a little while so I could see the things have made you happy for the past year?

045. How can your existence make me so hard to feel the air? And it always requires me to take a long deep breath every time I look at you.

046. I should be happy to know that you’re okay and you’re there, still online on your Skype account, but actually, it hurts me the most because I know I can’t reach you.

047. Even gue udah jauh dari Jakarta dan kaki gue udah nggak napak di permukaan yang sama tingginya kayak elo, you’re still here with me on my mind. Bromo, 2013.

048. We have seen the same sky each day, but why our feelings never could be the same?

049. Congratulation, dear you. For every wish you say. For every effort you do. For every failure you take and for every heartbreak you experience. You’re still the one who keeps your dream on track and finally you did it. A mining engineer, is that you I’m looking for?

050. Maybe meeting you was a mistake because I've found out that actually, I wasn't ready.

051. Even after all this time, you are still the one I prioritize.

052. Kalau ada satu kota yang selalu ingin dikunjungi, mungkin ini kotanya. But sadly, this city got me all the bruises back again.

053. Just so you know that I wish you will always be okay.

054. Because I know, in the end, the important thing is knowing that you live your life happily rather than knowing how wistful I’m without you.

055. You know? Even you give me a thousand pictures to see, there is none who can steal these eyes not to look at you.

056. This time I realize, those happy feelings you made that time could be a reason why you could be this hard to forget.

057. And you, you, always been an issue.

058. And that love is going to disappear.

059. I just want to make sure that I will always be remembered by you.

060. It is time to let go.

--Collected from my old Tumblr and Twitter; 2011 - 2017.

How Blind People Find Love

Photo by Rene Böhmer on Unsplash

When eyes can’t see, other senses play a huge role in loving someone. 

There is a statement out there telling that we can fall in love just by looking at someone—not only for men but also for women. Some would agree, but most of us choose not to—because well, we just don’t want to be judged as a shallow person. I asked some of my friends to validate this statement, I want to know whether it is right or not. One of my friends said that “No, it is not a love we are talking about. It is only lust. We lust after someone at the first sight.” Or another friend of mine said, “Well, I guess it is what we called attraction—not love? We cannot fall in love by just looking at someone.” 

Isn’t it attraction the first phase before going to a further phase—love? 

So, no matter how hard we try to oppose that statement, the truth is, we all know that it is possible for someone to fall in love with a look. The Guardian Lab on one of its article also says that “how we harness the eyes to “create” love has been the subject of decades of scientific study”. Yes, it is true that this topic is also interesting for the scientist, and even science says long gazes into each other’s eyes can form a love connection. 

“There are more neurons in the brain dedicated to vision than the other four senses combined—up to 80% of what our bodies take in is filtered through our eyes. And the eyes are not just windows to the soul, but also to neuron pathways that can form love connections in our brains.” – The Guardian Lab. Here we know that eyes really play a primary part for someone as a way to fall in love. 

Then, there would come a question, what if there is someone who cannot see—the one who is blind or sightless? If he couldn’t see, how can he fall in love? How does love work on him? In what way? Well, to answer those questions, I asked five different blind people with various backgrounds and stories. 

When we talk about love at a sightless couple or maybe a person, we think that they have a different approach to love someone since they cannot use their eyes. But when I asked Mr. Setyo (43 years old—married for 23 years) about this, his answer made me realize something:

“Kalau berbicara soal cinta pada pasangan tunanetra, mata memang tidak bisa jadi patokan kami. Tetapi cinta bekerja dengan cara yang sama. Cinta itu kan dari Tuhan, sifatnya fitrah. Bisa tumbuh di siapa saja.” 

Mr. Setyo, totally blind since he was born, said that love for him actually works the same way as normal people do—from attraction, attachment, then to love itself—though his eyes couldn’t help at all. But then he continued:

“Yang membuat beda itu cara pendekatannya. Orang kayak saya pasti beda dengan orang awas. Karena udah nggak bisa bergantung sama mata, kita pakai (indera) yang lain untuk kenal atau dekat dengan orang.” 

He said that what makes them (the sightless people) different in a way of loving someone is the approach. They approach other people with other senses. Other senses—than eyes—play a huge role to help them in loving someone. Thereupon, those create some factors on how sightless people become attracted to others that lead into love. Here are the factors:

The Tone of Voice and The Way They Communicate 

I asked Mrs. Sarmiyati (41 years old), the wife of Mr. Setyo who was partially blind then becomes totally blind at her teenage year, about the factor why did she fall in love with her husband. With her playful side, she answered:

“Kalau ditanya begini saya bingung, ya udah jodohnya kali. Udah takdir saya suka sama Bapak hahaha.” But not long after that, she continued: “Dari jaman sekolah sampai sekarang, Bapak itu pintar ngomong. Cara bicaranya enak didenger. Mungkin itu salah satu faktornya saya tertarik sama Bapak.”

I couldn’t agree more when Mrs. Sarmiyati told me like that, because it is true that Mr. Setyo is really good at talking. He really has a lot of knowledge and always answers my question in a clear and detailed way. But contrary to his wife belief, Mr. Setyo said that people shouldn’t rely on someone’s tone of voice, especially for the blind people.

“Suara itu tidak menjamin. Ada yang suaranya bagus tapi hatinya belum tentu bagus. Yang terpenting itu bisa menjaga komitmen dan kepercayaan, bukan hanya kata – kata yang keluar dari mulut.” 

Different person, different opinion—though they suffer the same thing. While Mrs. Sarmiyati could agree that the tone of voice can make someone fall in love, her husband, Mr. Setyo disputed it.

Besides the tone of voice, the conversation that is caught by ear also could be a factor for them to fall in love or be interested with someone. Most often in a relationship, communication is a key because good communication leads to a good relationship. Mr. Wawan (41 years old) said that he started to feel a harmony between him and his wife when they start to communicate and turns out she is very nice to talk to.

“Saya ketemu Ibu dulu di belakang Mercubuana. Pertama kali kenal, ngobrol dan ternyata dia enak diajak ngobrol. Dari situ langsung ngerasa ada kecocokan.”

The Intelligence and The Personality
We sometimes fall in love, adore, or be interested with someone who is so smart and bright; the one who knows and have a deep understanding of everything. That is why even now, there is a saying which tells, smart is a new sexy. Well, strongly agree with that. Also, it would be better if the smart ones have good personalities. Such a perfect combination! Well, no wonder those—the brain and the personality—could be factors on how sightless people fall in love as well—we are still human after all.

When it comes to brain and personality, Mr. Setyo confirmed that those things can be a reason for someone—who is sightless—falls in love.

“Saya tertarik dengan istri dari perilakunya. Perilaku yang baik seperti suka membantu kalau ada kesulitan, juga mengerjakan tugas bareng saat sekolah.”

With only two years of gap different, Mr. Setyo chose to tie the knot with his wife at the age of 21 years old while his wife was 19 years old. Now, he lives happily with five children from his marriage.

Besides Mr. Setyo, there is Mrs. Salamah (32 years old—married for 17 years) who also agreed with it. Mrs. Salamah is one of a humorous woman I have ever known. Talking with her is really such a joy—there is always a laugh in every conversation we have. I asked her the reason why she chose her husband, Mr. Maryono, to be her partner for life.

“Dulu waktu di asrama, Bapak sering nolong saya karena saya kan anak baru ceritanya. Bapak itu senior, saya juniornya. Selain baik, saya nilai Bapak orang yang pinter, dari situ deh mulai suka sama Bapak haha.”

Well I guess, it is proven that intelligence and good personality could be a factor that makes people fall in love; for us and for them.

The Feeling of a Different Connection 
Different from his wife, love works distinctly on Mr. Maryono  (41 years old—married for 17 years old). As a husband of Mrs. Salamah, he feels a different or a unique connection towards his wife. He just suddenly feel connected with her.

“Saya ketemu Ibu tahun 2000 awal di asrama. Pas kenal udah lumayan lama, ada perasaan yang beda, itu menurut saya.”

Most of the time, we also experienced the same way with Mr. Maryono. We couldn’t describe our feelings or the reasons why we love someone. We just feel a sudden connection. But there’s a slight difference between us who can see and people who are sightless: they are more sensitive to emotion than us.

“Saya ada rasa suka aja. Susah untuk dijelaskan, yang jelas saya yakin dan tiba – tiba kok sreg gitu sama Ibu.”

When I asked him what kind of a different connection is, he explained that it could be an attraction at first, then it gradually developed into a love. He said that he didn’t take a long time to be so sure about her that he wanted her for the rest of his life. The feeling of a different connection was way too strong.

The Physical Appearance
Who says that physical appearance doesn’t matter to people who are blind? Yes, it does. I was so surprised by the fact that physical appearance still matters to them. How did they know whether their partner is good looking or not? Well, the answer is by listening to their families, peers, and surroundings.

Mrs. Salamah is one of those people who falls for someone because of the physical appearance—but remembers, she also falls for her husband because he is smart and kind. When she told me that, “my husband is handsome—that’s why I like him.” I instantly asked her, “how do you know?”

“Iya bener kok, suami saya ganteng. Tinggi, putih, rambutnya keriting.” 

I am amazed, she even could describe his husband. He is tall, has fair skin and curly hair. Later I know that she only suffers from low vision, not totally blind. But then she also said that her family told her about that, they describe how Mr. Maryono looks and she loved it.

But still I wonder, is it true that physical appearance matters to them? “Not necessarily matter, but don’t you feel happy knowing that your partner is handsome?” Mrs. Salamah added. I guess I know the answer now. Their surroundings also take part in how they thought about their partners. They easily get influenced by their family and peers' opinion.

Well, to conclude, love works the same way as on people who are blind and as on individuals with sight—because we are human after all. Though it is true that sightless people cannot rely on their vision, but these factors, such as tone of voice, good communication, intelligence, personality, a feeling of a different connection, and physical appearance are things that we also happen to experience when we are in love. What makes it different only the sightless people are more dependent on other senses but eyes, since they play a huge role in loving someone.

But at the end of the day, the most important thing in building a relationship and finding love is by looking for someone we are comfortable and happy with, isn't?


Love,
NM.

SHARE Scholarship Batch 4 – It’s Your Turn!

Jakarta to Phnom Penh.

“I want to live in a place where my mother tongue is not theirs.”

I could say that my journey began with that simple tweet. On January, 15th 2017 I posted that tweet and pinned it on my profile. That was a wish, a dream, a goal that I should achieve like this year. Be it on studying abroad, traveling that takes more than 2 weeks, doing a volunteering project, or joining an international conference or even competition.

Later that day, I found a post from one of my friend on her social media account about SHARE Scholarship Batch 3. Honestly, I already knew about SHARE Scholarship before and also some of my friends already joined this program. But I wasn’t attracted to at that time since I still had a huge project that couldn’t be left. 

After seeing that post, I asked my friend and she suggested me to go to International Office (IRO) UNDIP first. I still remember that day, the first time I went to IRO, and asked a lot about SHARE Scholarship program to Mr. Dedi, the one who is responsible with this scholarship along with the other staffs. He said that the program wasn’t opened yet and I should wait. So I still have time to decide, whether I should join or not.

First thing first, I discussed my intention regarding joining this program with my family, friends, my academic advisor and my head of communication studies department in my faculty. Was that okay if I joined this SHARE Scholarship program in this semester? Because truthfully, I’m on my last year on campus. I’m afraid something would come up and not let me join this program. But my academic advisor said that it’s okay for me to join. So after that time, I decided to join SHARE Scholarship Batch 3.

Then, what steps did I take in joining SHARE Scholarship Batch 3?

(For those who are interested to take part of SHARE Scholarship Batch 4, you have to pay attention to this!)

1. Coming to a coaching clinic, I could say that my IRO is really helpful to students who are interested in joining SHARE Scholarship program. They provided us coaching clinics before registering ourselves. So, it would make us easy on getting information.

2. Getting the Letter of Endorsement from faculty, I should get the LoE first from my faculty with approval from Vice Dean for Academics and Student Affair. For FISIP UNDIP students, you should fill this form first (download here) and send this to IRO FISIP UNDIP.

3. Collecting all the required documents, such as passport, academic transcript, letter of endorsement from faculty, photo, TOEFL/IELTS certificate. And if you have an academic certificate, you can also put on the documents. Some host universities also require you to have a medical certificate, so you better prepare for that one too. If you are a UNDIP student, you better check our IRO website at io.undip.ac.id or Twitter @IOUndip.

4. Doing an assessment process, yes, there was an assessment in form of forum group discussion and also interview. What for? Well, the purpose of this assessment is to select those who deserve a letter of endorsement from the university.

5. Registering myself on SHARE platform, while waiting for the announcement about my letter of endorsement, I registered myself on SHARE platform first.

6. Applying for host universities, yes finally it’s time to apply for the host universities after we get the LoE from our university! In this part, I will tell you a story how I finally ended up in Phnom Penh International University. Actually, I applied for three universities in that time:

• Thammasat University in Thailand for Journalism and Mass Communication Program.
• De La Salle University in Philippines for Advertising Management Program.
• Phnom Penh International University in Cambodia for English for Business Program.

Then why I ended up in PPIU? Well, of course, the answer is because I didn’t get the letter of acceptance from two other universities! But since I know the reasons why I’m going to tell you the tips. 

Me presenting at SHARE Workshop

I was in Jakarta on September, 12th when SHARE Workshop was held and I also attended that event to give a presentation about my journey in joining SHARE Scholarship program along with Dhila, my friend in UNDIP who also is SHARE alumnae. I met so many people there and the representatives of every IRO of listed universities on SHARE platform. I could say that I was lucky to be there so I can ask and know so many things about SHARE Scholarship, yay! And of course, I also got the answers why I didn't get the LoA from two other universities.

• In Thammasat University, my TOEFL report wasn't produced by an international testing center. Meanwhile, Thammasat only accepts TOEFL scores supplied by TOEFL international testing only. So to all of you who want to apply for universities in Thailand, you better have an international TOEFL report.
• On the other hand, the reason why I didn't get the LoA from De La Salle University (DLSU) was that there was no response at all. No replying emails and so on. Later, I found that the person who was responsible with SHARE Scholarship in that university was no longer there. But, since I already met the new person who will be responsible for SHARE Scholarship Batch 4 in DLSU at SHARE Workshop, I can guarantee this incident will never happen again.

6. Applying for SHARE Scholarship, after getting a letter of acceptance from your desired host university, then it's time to apply for SHARE Scholarship in its platform. Upload your LoE, LoA, and fill everything that should be filled there. After you're done, just wait for the announcement!

The time has come, the announcement came up.

I've chosen to be one of the SHARE Awardee Batch 3. No words could describe my feeling that time when I saw the announcement. My tweet comes true. My wish is granted. Thank God!

So after that, what's next? Here comes the preparation time.

1. Confirming my mobility, this is the first thing you must do after getting the SHARE Scholarship.

2. Preparing and finishing the Learning Agreement, with help from my academic advisor and my head of communication department because I should discuss the courses that I'd take, my IRO, and also discuss with Mrs. Ravikun as Vice Rector IRO in PPIU. This step, filling the learning agreement, was quite hard because of we, as awardees, have to make sure our courses are available and right.

3. Taking care of campus administration, in this step, I have to get admission from my Rector in University so I could be freed with tuition fee for a whole semester. This was a long process and turned out, it went well.

4. Booking flight tickets, my IRO arranged this one for me.

5. Applying for Cambodia visa, I went to Royal Embassy of Cambodia with my Mom and spent IDR 530.000 for a visa. Lucky me, I only need a day to make visa--not wait for three days or more.

6. Packing time! I think this is the most frustrating and confusing step for each awardee (kidding!) Because there are a lot of things we want to bring. But after some suggestion and recommendation from my friends, google and research, I made a list of things that I want to bring.

That's all! Those were my steps and journey to finally can get SHARE Scholarship and be a part of SHARE Awardee. 

Do you also want to have a journey like that--and maybe even better than me? Now, it's your turn to take part of SHARE Scholarship Batch 4. Click this to get more information about SHARE Scholarship.

Last but not least, I can guarantee you that this exchange journey (and also being a SHARE Awardee) will make a better version of yourself, and of course, you will get more than you expected.


Love,
NM.