Coping with Sadness

The artwork is created by the talented Faizuddin Rahmatulloh.

There are so many ways to cope with sadness

Some people choose to cry it out loud

Some hide it by a happy face mask

Some need a break from the crowd, then make distance

And some choose to be bitter

Then how about me? How about him?

We turn to be bitter, to each other, to others; to people around us

We both know that losing him is kind of torture, but it's too selfish to call it like that

Mom said that it's a bless; by means, God loves him more than we do

Dear Dad,

Your son always turns bitter, he still can't accept the reality

Cause the reality kills a part of his self

And

Your daughter always turns bitter to look so strong

To make everyone believe that she is okay

Dear dad,

Turning bitter doesn't always look so bad, right?


--1 year ago / from my Steller

To The Man Whom I knew Early This Year

Malang, 2016.

Dear Mr. Risk Taker,

When you read this, please keep in your mind that this isn't a love letter. Yes, I write for you, but none of the paragraphs below will tell you how much I love you, because no, I'm not falling. Mungkin saya terlihat berlawanan, seperti meyakinkan diri sendiri bahwa saya tidak 'jatuh'. Padahal di sisi lain, every girl in my circle believes that there is a feeling inside of me towards you.

Lucu ya, bagaimana mereka lebih tahu dibandingkan si empunya hati soal perasaan yang dienyam. Atau mungkin soal perasaan, orang lain akan lebih tahu? Sementara sang pemilik di sini lebih memilih untuk menimbun perasaan dan memaksa hati untuk tidak bergerak lebih jauh.

Anyway,

A year ago, that time when I knew I'd collaborate with you in a work, made me realize that universe was just so funny. It makes me believe that some things that would be in place, would be in place, at the right time at the right moment. Things just got real, when I've got a chance to know you more.

Universe let us know each other better.

Maybe you wouldn't think it's funny or why did I get too excited to get the chance to work with you. Well, it's because I already noticed you from the start. From the beginning of my college life, you, with that white tote bag and that blue alma mater. Standing alone in the front line.

And you know another funny part was? We almost recognized ourselves at that Saturday night--we called it as a welcoming party--if only I agreed to exchange my paper with one of my friends so your name would be written there. It was almost, but almost is never enough right?

I always think that every single thing has ever happened in my life happens for a reason. And finally, that occasion happened, meeting and knowing you, for a reason. Maybe the reason is for answering all my curiosity about you or the reason is for me to learn from you because we all know that you're just too good at some abilities.

You wonder why did I call you Mr. Risk Taker? Because in some particular time when I work with you, you were just too daring enough to make a change that full of risk. But at last, it turned out well. You successfully insisted a change.

And successfully giving me some memories to reminisce.

I'm sure I'm going to miss our times a lot. The times when we discussed things, the times when we evaluated each other, the times when we argued, the times when we laughed, the times that we spent the night ride together, the times when you said that I was just so mean, the times when you said "You should believe me that I'm not a person you were just saying." because I was too early to judge you, I'm sorry.  And many moments that I can't recite one by one.

Oh, and the time when you said, "Just tell me when you need something." When I suddenly disappeared from a meeting because this little girl needed a break.

And ah, I thank you a lot for at least you taught me how to be a good leader and how to manage people in a team. And you told me when you can do a thing and you are good at it, don't do it for free. Haha! Because "what else matters to us besides appreciation?", you said. And yes, appreciation comes in many, many forms.

You know what,

when I look at you, I feel like looking in a mirror. Sometimes I think that we are all the same, in part of love--and some part of our traits.

In love, we are the same. We love someone too deep until we forget to love ourselves. 

Hearing your stories made me understand that we are hurt by the love we think we deserve. Kita adalah orang - orang yang terluka. Me with my prolonged secret feelings and never confess, and you, with your experiences that have been cheated on by a girlfriend you've ever had. Sad, isn't it?

But well, life must go on and I know you've already moved on--to the girl you love at the first place, hahaha. (But I think it's not moving on, it's like opening the same book again? Well, with a different feeling perhaps).

Last but not least, I'm sorry for sometimes I was so mean to you or making the vibes so awkward between us. Or even worse, I treated you as a stranger--because, sorry, this little girl can't help when she has an odd feeling like this.

And I guess this is the end of the letter. Again, this is not a love letter. It's only a letter consist of my gratitude and my ideas about you during my work with you. So yeah, good luck, be careful, and hope you will get your bucket of happiness there!


Love,
NM.