To My Yellow Person

 

Photo by DM on Flickr

"Your yellow person is a person that may have saved you, in a way." 

Dear you, how are you coping?

It's been a while since we talked; in an honest way. I don't know whether you still trust me or not. Or I don't know whether you still consider me as your friend or not. But I hope you still do. 

Though us trusting each other, I guess, is a never-ending process. Because you tend to break the promise and then fix things up, while I right here tend to avoid breaking promises.

Remember the time I said to you that I could not afford to lose you? It's still relevant. 

Because your existence is not just a mere existence. Your existence helped me a lot. 

Your existence saved me, in a way. 

You brought a sense of comfort and safety in times of stress or uncertainty. Everything was uncertain to me; work-related. And there you were; coming in as a savior—bringing hope and remedy. I knew it well you were just doing your job—the bare minimum—things that I shouldn't consider to be the reason I was enamored. 

Oh, but how can I help? This girl right here was mesmerized by the things you've done. Your work was so thoughtful and well done. Unconscious, I fell even deeper. I got more attached. You were so convenient to me that makes me think that you could have been my person if only there was no such thing as a different creed.

Cause I couldn’t break through the barrier.

I knew from the start that you could be another distress in my life. The first time you walked into the room I said to myself "Oh, here we go again.." The one shouldn't be attempted; the one couldn't be obtained. I even wrote a blog, in Dec 2021, telling myself that I could not afford another broken heart. That time, I need to save myself. Especially from you.

But I didn't listen. 

Cause you're like a breath of fresh air, beyond compare. Yet in a world where our paths don't intertwine, I yearn for what I can't call mine.

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So, with my best, my very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
I wish you love, love, love
—Laufey, I Wish You Love

I hope you understand that no matter when, no matter where, and no matter how, I always want to see you win and I will be one of your biggest supporters. I hope you know I will always care and miss what we had.

I will be cheering you on from afar. From the sidelines. Cause now, I know my place, I drew the line. 

But someday I will heal, I'll grow another heart
And I guess until then, I'll endure the falling apart
I'll learn to love the quiet and forget what was said

—Eloise, Left Side

Love,

NM.