Her on My Mind

Jakarta, 2013.

I am not lying that I miss being at home. I miss living in Sukatani where I can easily meet and catch up with people whom I consider as my forever person. Friends who always ask me whether I am at home or not every time the holiday comes. Oh, sure I miss them a lot.

But I can't imagine myself living in a place I used to call home. Living with her under one roof. It's not that I don't want to. It's just... I guess I need to adapt again. After five years of living apart, I should get used to it. And it's not easy.

One time she asked me, "Give me your honest opinion about me. About my parenting style." I couldn't answer directly. I took some time. I was on the verge of tears. I was about to cry. All the things that happened in my teenage years started to flashback. But then I choked up.

"Well, you've changed. For the better." I answered.

"You were so demanding back then. A little bit harsh. When something didn't happen the way you want it to be, you're upset. To us, your kids. You weren't that emotionally supportive." I continued 

"You didn't really like when we have different opinions/ideas. I guess you're not that open-minded. You hated debates, you hated discussion." Again, I continued.

"But I guess, you've changed now. Knowing that you're not upset when Anov—my brother—just got 2.90 for his first GPA. You're more calm and relaxed."

"Yah, dulu kan ada Papah. Jadi peran bisa dibagi dua." I was surprised by her answer.

"Wah, bahaya juga ya kalau Papah masih ada sampai sekarang. Mamah bakalan tetap kayak dulu." I just can't help.

If I looked back to the old-time, sure, almost all the time my Father held the "supporting" part. The nice guy part. I remember he came to my room at midnight because he heard me crying.

I cried because I didn't get the school she wanted. She kept silent and didn't talk to me for weeks.

I was hurt. Not only because of her actions but also when I was at a point where I really need support especially from her, I got nothing. I made my parents disappointed with me and I felt bad about myself. Thinking that I'll never be enough.

But there was him, the one who kept saying everything will be alright and that's okay.

Just when I thought she has changed, suddenly our topic moved into politic. I didn't even know how it started.

Oh, I remember!

It's when out of the blue she showed me a video where a leader of a political party persuades people to "makan babi" after the election. "Tuh, Kak, masa kamu support yang kayak gini?" she said. Later that I know it's just a hoax.

I told her I am amazed by how the youth now massively take part in politic to fight the corruption and the intolerance, just like this party did. I told her this before that video accident happen.

She then threw her phone furiously, angrily to bed when I couldn't agree with her idea. I was aghast. Sorry to say this, but politic is evil. It shouldn't be around family. Screw you politicians who use fear and anger as your power!

It's not that I am a fanatic, but I just don't like it when someone is treated unfairly. Hanya karena dia siapa, agamanya apa, atau siapa orang di belakangnya.

Still upset, she then continued, "untuk masalah yang kayak gini, Mamah tegas ya, kak."

I wonder what kind of problem is that? Is it about our different political views or is it about religion? For many times she told me that we have to choose a Moslem leader, but my question was, what's our president's religion again? Isn't the same with our religion? 

“Setiap orang bebas untuk memilih dan mempunyai keyakinan politiknya." This is what I believe. But I guess, I should let this go. I am actually not free.

Because parent's choice > “Setiap orang bebas untuk memilih dan mempunyai keyakinan politiknya."

We always think that there's an unconditional love out there between parents to their children. Parental love. Let me tell you something: dead this lie.

I read this somewhere: "Queer kids can't come out to their parents. Non-religious kids have to fake their parents' religion. Parents love what they project on their kids and get angry when they don't live up to them."

I second that not because I am a queer or non-religious kid, because I am not. But because it's true that most of the time it happens to us; kids. To me, personally, and it creates a childhood trauma I might say.

A trauma that creates distress. A trauma that causes me to think that I'll never be good enough because I haven't met certain standards.

I am still trying to overcome these past traumatic experiences, hoping that one day I can successfully make peace with it.

People might think that I'm a selfish, ignorant, and ungrateful kid, well, they might be true. But that doesn't mean I don't love her. This piece of writing doesn't define that I hate her, because I don't.

As a person, she's a great one. A strong woman figure that I personally look up to. A hard-working, unyielding, inspiring person. A selfless one also. She will do anything for her kids. After losing her husband, she took over a company that she never had an idea about it before. But as a fast learner, she continuously does great and greater.

And I love her despite our differences on almost everything.


Love,
NM.