To My Yellow Person

 

Photo by DM on Flickr

"Your yellow person is a person that may have saved you, in a way." 

Dear you, how are you coping?

It's been a while since we talked; in an honest way. I don't know whether you still trust me or not. Or I don't know whether you still consider me as your friend or not. But I hope you still do. 

Though us trusting each other, I guess, is a never-ending process. Because you tend to break the promise and then fix things up, while I right here tend to avoid breaking promises.

Remember the time I said to you that I could not afford to lose you? It's still relevant. 

Because your existence is not just a mere existence. Your existence helped me a lot. 

Your existence saved me, in a way. 

You brought a sense of comfort and safety in times of stress or uncertainty. Everything was uncertain to me; work-related. And there you were; coming in as a savior—bringing hope and remedy. I knew it well you were just doing your job—the bare minimum—things that I shouldn't consider to be the reason I was enamored. 

Oh, but how can I help? This girl right here was mesmerized by the things you've done. Your work was so thoughtful and well done. Unconscious, I fell even deeper. I got more attached. You were so convenient to me that makes me think that you could have been my person if only there was no such thing as a different creed.

Cause I couldn’t break through the barrier.

I knew from the start that you could be another distress in my life. The first time you walked into the room I said to myself "Oh, here we go again.." The one shouldn't be attempted; the one couldn't be obtained. I even wrote a blog, in Dec 2021, telling myself that I could not afford another broken heart. That time, I need to save myself. Especially from you.

But I didn't listen. 

Cause you're like a breath of fresh air, beyond compare. Yet in a world where our paths don't intertwine, I yearn for what I can't call mine.

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So, with my best, my very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
I wish you love, love, love
—Laufey, I Wish You Love

I hope you understand that no matter when, no matter where, and no matter how, I always want to see you win and I will be one of your biggest supporters. I hope you know I will always care and miss what we had.

I will be cheering you on from afar. From the sidelines. Cause now, I know my place, I drew the line. 

But someday I will heal, I'll grow another heart
And I guess until then, I'll endure the falling apart
I'll learn to love the quiet and forget what was said

—Eloise, Left Side

Love,

NM.

Dark Stormy Blue

Karimun Jawa, Agustus 2023.

Sinking ships, raging seas, and tumultuous hearts, love isn't easy for you. It's a struggle, a constant inner fight of should I? Can I? Do l? Feelings are hard and they rumble inside you in a dissatisfied mess that begs to be let out. Your heart screams and cries inside you and you.. You can't, you won't. You're scared. And love is scary, it's hard and sometimes it just doesn't work out. People leave, people hurt, people change their minds. And you and your cold stormy heart yearn for the calmness, for the distance, to be allowed and able to simply not feel. And yet, you do. It rages, it fights and storms inside you and you try to keep it down, keep it quiet, to feel pretending not to. It's the burn of childhood friends growing apart, of parents that aren't quite there, of relationships that burn out. So you snuff it down with water, cold and calming and blue, blue, blue. But being loved by you is blue too, just not in that way. It's the soothing, embracing feeling of floating, the moment when you sink down below the waves and become one with the water, with everything. It's the balance, the dramatic yet calming sound of waves that crash against a rocky shore. You're the good and the bad, the violence of the storm and the watery peace right after. You're the blue, blue feeling and loving you is watery tears, yelled confessions that no one will hear and burying your feelings in a deep watery grave never to be found out about. Your love is dark stormy blue, it's vast and deep and all encompassing, it's safety in the surface of danger, it's trusting the unruly abyss and yet I'd gladly risk drowning just to feel what it's like being loved by you.

Love,

NM.

To The Fresh Breeze I shouldn't Have

Photo by Benjamin Sow on Unsplash

If I had to mention the exact time when you start getting my attention, it'd be on the twenty-fourth of December; the Christmas eve. I don't think it was your smile to make me bewitched at first, but your serious look. It was so deep; so pensive that I want to deep dive into your mind. What were you thinking? 

Then I was captivated by your smile. It looks so good on you. So contagious that it spreads joy. I secretly hope you won't stop smiling despite everything you've been through. 

If I could be honest, I long for this kind of feeling; like, admiration, or fondness? You make me realize that it's been so long since I've felt this way. You're completely like a fresh breeze on a summer's day.

But sadly, you're the fresh breeze I shouldn't have. 

I cannot afford another broken heart. This time, I need to save myself,

Love,

NM.

To The One that Got Away

Photo by Marie-Michèle Bouchard on Unsplash

"What? I am not the one that got away,"  

I already can sense you will say this the first time you read this letter. 

"..but I'm sorry if you feel that way." 

you will continue. Why does saying sorry seem so easy for you to say?

"Sorry if you feel that way."

"Sorry that I can't always be there."

You think that I will always be forgiving, don't you? That I will always be there for you no matter what happens—like what I've written in my letters.

Cause indeed I do. Forgiving you was easy, but healing from its pain was another thing. 

Looking back, I haven't been in a good state, mentally and emotionally, since 2018. The year (I thought) I lose you. I cried a lot. I never knew that losing you could hurt this much. Losing your presence, losing your daily or weekly news, losing the friendship. Losing us.

I also feel like I'm losing myself more and more since you're the only one who knew me well. Back then.

There were days when I was tired to pretend that everything's alright; that you and I are in an okay-ish state. Those days were days I want to snap at you, "what's up with us?! We're not okay, something's off. Don't you feel it?"

Being your friend for more than a decade makes me realize that you are the kind of person who will turn a blind eye to situations you don't fancy to. Acting like things were the same—that we're alright—but there was a new distance around each of us. 

I hate it and I miss you. So much.

I hate inventing you, scripting your lines, instead of having the original. I could write a thousand dialogues between us. Like when we talk about the places we've been, the things we've done, or the jokes we've laughed about.

And now, I can only reminisce all those things. 

But hey, I think I need closure. Can we talk soon? 

Love, 

NM.

A Vulnerable Journal

Photo by Gregory Pappas on Unsplash

Beberapa hari kemarin bener-bener uring-uringan plus marah. Marah banget sampai having breakdown + panas badan. Tapi nggak tau ke siapa dan apa aja pemicunya. Cuma tau satu: perasaan losing of hope. Ya apalagi kalau bukan losing of hope karena Covid-19 and how the government handle it.

Capek jujur lihat berita dan sekarang udah mulai ngurangin. Terus karena ngikutin anjuran untuk self-quarantine dan isolasi diri di kosan, pikiran malah bisa tambah ke mana-mana. Saya anaknya bisa banget nggak keluar kosan seminggu, dua minggu, tiga minggu; bisa. Tapi hawanya kemarin beda aja. Resah terus, nggak ngerasa aman.

Kepikiran pengen pulang, "tapi bahaya nggak ya? Gimana kalo misalnya saya carrier? Kalo nanti malah jadi pada sakit?" Duh takut. Bimbang lagi. Tapi saya di sini juga nggak ngerasa aman; ya tapi sejak kapan sih bisa ngerasa aman di negeri ini? Padahal negeri sendiri.

Setelah saya konsultasi dan tanya sana sini, oke, akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk pulang.

Terus pas udah mantep mau pulang, ada lagi pikiran ganggu, yang ngebuat saya sadar: ternyata at this current state saya masih butuh father figure ya. "Duh enak kali ya kayak orang-orang, tinggal minta jemput di situasi kayak gini." Ya tapi saya kan nggak bisa--harus cari cara sendiri gimana cara pulang. Kesel, nggak bisa tuh manja-manja. Padahal pengen.

Sampai saya bilang ke diri sendiri, "I swear to God, kalau saya sampai bisa balik bawa barang-barang sebanyak ini dengan nemu driver+mobil lewat usaha sendiri, I'm sure as hell I won't need anyone else in my life!!! Ever!!! I can live anywhere by my ownself!!!"

Saking desperate plus marahnya sampai bersumpah.

Tapi untungnya, saya bisa pulang dengan pertolongan dari Nyokap. Teknisi di kantor ada yang bisa jemput hari ini. Thank, God! Sumpahku nggak aci; nggak jadi hidup sendiri.

Sekarang alhamdulillah saya udah di rumah. Arrived safe and sound. Tinggal isolate myself aja untuk beberapa minggu ke depan di kamar; pun dari Nyokap. We'll see how it works deh. Takut aja jujur.

Semoga perasaan marah, emosi-emosi nggak penting, dan pikiran yang ganggu saya kayak gini nggak muncul lagi.

Semoga juga keadaan semakin membaik. Semoga juga kalian dan keluarga selalu sehat serta dilindungi olehNya. Beneran pengen banget ini cepet kelar terus ketemu plus main-main lagi. Miss you all. Jaga diri baik-baik.

Love,

NM.

Photojournal: What Happens in Bandung, Stays in Bandung

Perjalanan ke Bandung minggu ini super dadakan; memutuskan ikut ke Bandung h-2 sebelum hari keberangkatan. Booking tickets, booking hotel, all in a rush. But I ended up feeling happy and content, thanks to Erika's mom and dad! Dan tentunya, makasih juga untuk Erika. Berasa dikasih hadiah liburan. Mungkin benar kata Oddie, "lebih baik rehat sejenak kalau tubuh dan otak sudah tidak dalam kondisi baik." Well, I get freshened up now!

Menghabiskan dua hari dan satu malam di Bandung sepertinya tidak akan pernah cukup karena banyak sekali tempat yang bisa dikunjungi. Meskipun setiap kali saya bertandang ke kota ini, rasa deg-degannya masih sama hahaha. Like there is always a weird sensation every time I come to this city—mau seberapa sering saya ke sini.

Selama di Bandung, kami menginap di Summerbird Bed and Brasserie, sebuah boutique hotel yang menggabungkan beberapa gaya dekor sekaligus, dari rustic, vintage, hingga scandinavian. It feels so homey! Oh, it also has a nice selection of food for breakfast.

Oh iya, sesaat setelah sampai hotel di siang hari, saya pesan nasi pedas komplit Kang Emen di daerah Paskal lewat Go-Food. Asli enak banget mau nangis. Kayaknya itu akan jadi makanan favorit saya di Bandung deh (barusan saya sempat cek Instagram @kang.emen ternyata ada cabang di Bekasi juga!)

Di hari pertama, kami menyempatkan diri ke Chinatown dan Braga Street. Tapi karena baru keluar hotel jam 8 malam, jadinya kami hanya sebentar saja di Chinatown. Kalau mau ke sana, ada baiknya sore hari. Soalnya untuk weekdays, Chinatown tutup jam 9 malam. Di Braga Street, kami juga sempat nongkrong di Kopi Toko Djawa sampai tutup! 

Esok harinya, saya niat mau ke One Eighty Coffee saja sambil baca buku untuk nunggu Ovin, sepupu saya, dan Erika. Tapi kok ya setelah saya lihat parkirannya ramai banget. Akhirnya melipirlah saya kesebrangnya, kampus ITB. Seru juga jalan-jalan sendiri di kampus orang. The first time I landed my feet on ITB was five years ago—saat Pasar Seni 2014. Nggak sabar di 2020, kata sepupu saya, Pasar Seni akan ada lagi! Oh iya, please check Ovin (Divina Ariadini) portfolio here. She's THAT good in drawing illustration and manga. She just graduated from DKV ITB but she's already got a lot of experiences! You should contact her if you need one.

Anyway, ketika saya di kampus dan berkamuflase di sana, I randomly chatted my old friend who used to be a student there and asked him where I was by sending the 22nd picture of this post hahaha. Turned out, he guessed it right! Well, I guess someone is very familiar with his place. I don't know why but I always tend to associate him with that campus or Bandung and that could be the reason why I chatted him randomly—if you somehow read this post, hi, A! :)

Satu hal yang saya perhatikan, di sana banyak kucing. Sampai saya tanya ke sepupu saya dan jawabannya adalah, "iya, banyak. Dan bisa aja ada mahasiswa lagi buru-buru ke kelas tapi pas ngeliat kucing, mereka berhenti dulu ngelus-ngelus kucing." And it happens in front of my eyes where I was there! So I was like, wow this is interesting.

Sebelum kami pulang, kami berhenti di destinasi terakhir, Se'i Sapi Lamalera. If you love spicy, just go with se'i sapi and sambal lu'at. Jangan lupa pesan teh pandannya ya!

Love,
NM.

Her on My Mind

Jakarta, 2013.

I am not lying that I miss being at home. I miss living in Sukatani where I can easily meet and catch up with people whom I consider as my forever person. Friends who always ask me whether I am at home or not every time the holiday comes. Oh, sure I miss them a lot.

But I can't imagine myself living in a place I used to call home. Living with her under one roof. It's not that I don't want to. It's just... I guess I need to adapt again. After five years of living apart, I should get used to it. And it's not easy.

One time she asked me, "Give me your honest opinion about me. About my parenting style." I couldn't answer directly. I took some time. I was on the verge of tears. I was about to cry. All the things that happened in my teenage years started to flashback. But then I choked up.

"Well, you've changed. For the better." I answered.

"You were so demanding back then. A little bit harsh. When something didn't happen the way you want it to be, you're upset. To us, your kids. You weren't that emotionally supportive." I continued 

"You didn't really like when we have different opinions/ideas. I guess you're not that open-minded. You hated debates, you hated discussion." Again, I continued.

"But I guess, you've changed now. Knowing that you're not upset when Anov—my brother—just got 2.90 for his first GPA. You're more calm and relaxed."

"Yah, dulu kan ada Papah. Jadi peran bisa dibagi dua." I was surprised by her answer.

"Wah, bahaya juga ya kalau Papah masih ada sampai sekarang. Mamah bakalan tetap kayak dulu." I just can't help.

If I looked back to the old-time, sure, almost all the time my Father held the "supporting" part. The nice guy part. I remember he came to my room at midnight because he heard me crying.

I cried because I didn't get the school she wanted. She kept silent and didn't talk to me for weeks.

I was hurt. Not only because of her actions but also when I was at a point where I really need support especially from her, I got nothing. I made my parents disappointed with me and I felt bad about myself. Thinking that I'll never be enough.

But there was him, the one who kept saying everything will be alright and that's okay.

Just when I thought she has changed, suddenly our topic moved into politic. I didn't even know how it started.

Oh, I remember!

It's when out of the blue she showed me a video where a leader of a political party persuades people to "makan babi" after the election. "Tuh, Kak, masa kamu support yang kayak gini?" she said. Later that I know it's just a hoax.

I told her I am amazed by how the youth now massively take part in politic to fight the corruption and the intolerance, just like this party did. I told her this before that video accident happen.

She then threw her phone furiously, angrily to bed when I couldn't agree with her idea. I was aghast. Sorry to say this, but politic is evil. It shouldn't be around family. Screw you politicians who use fear and anger as your power!

It's not that I am a fanatic, but I just don't like it when someone is treated unfairly. Hanya karena dia siapa, agamanya apa, atau siapa orang di belakangnya.

Still upset, she then continued, "untuk masalah yang kayak gini, Mamah tegas ya, kak."

I wonder what kind of problem is that? Is it about our different political views or is it about religion? For many times she told me that we have to choose a Moslem leader, but my question was, what's our president's religion again? Isn't the same with our religion? 

“Setiap orang bebas untuk memilih dan mempunyai keyakinan politiknya." This is what I believe. But I guess, I should let this go. I am actually not free.

Because parent's choice > “Setiap orang bebas untuk memilih dan mempunyai keyakinan politiknya."

We always think that there's an unconditional love out there between parents to their children. Parental love. Let me tell you something: dead this lie.

I read this somewhere: "Queer kids can't come out to their parents. Non-religious kids have to fake their parents' religion. Parents love what they project on their kids and get angry when they don't live up to them."

I second that not because I am a queer or non-religious kid, because I am not. But because it's true that most of the time it happens to us; kids. To me, personally, and it creates a childhood trauma I might say.

A trauma that creates distress. A trauma that causes me to think that I'll never be good enough because I haven't met certain standards.

I am still trying to overcome these past traumatic experiences, hoping that one day I can successfully make peace with it.

People might think that I'm a selfish, ignorant, and ungrateful kid, well, they might be true. But that doesn't mean I don't love her. This piece of writing doesn't define that I hate her, because I don't.

As a person, she's a great one. A strong woman figure that I personally look up to. A hard-working, unyielding, inspiring person. A selfless one also. She will do anything for her kids. After losing her husband, she took over a company that she never had an idea about it before. But as a fast learner, she continuously does great and greater.

And I love her despite our differences on almost everything.


Love,
NM.

Photojournal: Playing Tourist in Semarang

I have been living in Semarang for five years and never have I ever played a tourist before. Like a real tourist in a day. It wasn't until Memel came here. Thanks to her, saya bisa 'belagak' turis di kota sendiri.

Bermodalkan satu hari saja untuk berkeliling Kota Semarang dengan berbagai landmarksnya, akhirnya kami berhasil mengunjungi tujuh destinasi. Mulai dari Klenteng Sam Poo Kong, Lawang Sewu, Kota Lama, Semarang Art Gallery, hingga mencicipi makanan serta dessert di Soto Bangkong dan Gelato Matteo. Oh, tak lupa juga mendatangi Bandeng Juwana sebagai tempat pemberhentian terakhir untuk membeli oleh-oleh. Sebenarnya, kami ingin sekali makan lekker Paimo, apalagi Memel belum pernah coba. Tapi sayangnya, ketika kami ke sana sudah tutup. Entah karena memang hari Minggu lekker Paimo tutup atau memang kita terlalu sore saja datangnya.

Anyway, Kota Lama jadi bagus banget sekarang setelah direnovasi! Semakin tourist friendly dan nyaman untuk pejalan kaki. Kata bapak Grabcar yang mengantar kami, setiap Jumat-Minggu malam selalu ada car free night. Cuma karena sudah harus mengejar penerbangan jam 9 malam, jadinya kami tidak sampai malam di Kota Lama. 

Sebelum pulang, Memel sempat bilang, "duh gue nggak mau pulang". Lalu saya tanya kenapa. Katanya, "gue senang aja jadi turis". Ya siapa sih yang tidak senang menjadi turis? Datang ke kota atau tempat baru, being a stranger in one place, lalu bisa bertemu dan melakukan hal-hal baru. 

Tapi sejujurnya, omongan Memel membuat saya berpikir. Harusnya saya bisa lebih bersyukur tinggal di satu kota yang bukan jadi tempat kelahiran saya. Saya bisa saja jadi turis setiap hari di sini jika ingin. Tapi nyatanya, saya nggak lakukan. Mungkin karena sudah terbiasa dan enggan menggunakan 'kacamata' yang baru untuk melihat sekitar. Or I just simply take all the things for granted?

Well, don't we all?

Love,
NM.