Affliction

I think being loved by someone is not my thing. Lao Tzu once said that "being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."  If that quote is true, then my life is shit. A mess. I do not think that I have got strength from being loved by someone else. I mean, how come it happens? What I have got from being loved is just... a fear. A feeling of anxiety. I am afraid, I worry. Worry too much when someone loves me or even only likes me. The reason? Well honey, my own self actually does not know and understand why this could happen.

Was I born to love and not to be loved? That is the question that haunts me every time. I always fall in love with someone who does not know that I exist. Someone who does not love me back. Someone who I can not approach. But does it hurt me? Yes, but rather than being loved, I choose myself to be in love. I choose myself to be hurt. To jump in misery. Because I do not want someone else gets hurt for loving me, so I choose myself to be damaged, to be aching. Don't you know that we are all masochists in life? The one who takes pleasure in pain? 

Every time someone starts to show the signs of falling in love, I get up and go. I will be someone who I don't perceive. I'm depressed, I'm stressed. All-day. Someone ever told me that I was so mean and evil. But don't you know that I'm here bleeding too? That I'm here do feel pain? Do you think that's easy for suddenly ignoring and keeping someone's distance while actually, I don't suppose to be like that? And do you want to know what is the reason behind it? It because I make you easy to move on from me. So you will know from the very first time that we are not meant to be. That I don't want you.  

Does it mean that I don't appreciate someone's feelings? No, it doesn't. I appreciate everyone's feeling. But then again, I always have this motto in my life that I won't be in a relationship with the one I don't love.

Shit. 

What did I just write up there?

But, well, I just can't stop this feeling. 

The feeling of I'm going to hurt someone again.


Love,
NM.