Reflect to Renew

Taman Situ Lembang, Menteng

Before it is way too late, I'd happily say happy new year 2019. It's January 29th already, see how punctual I am to have this writing posted. I have a plan to write and read more this year just because I need to be productive and those activities help me to keep sane. (Can I write at least one blog post every month? Please semangatin saya untuk terus menulis hahaha.) 

Kadang kalau memang tidak sempat menulis di blog, saya akan membuka jurnal harian dan menulis di sana. I call it as my therapy session and it really helps me to keep a note about my mental and emotional health. Seperti hal apa yang mungkin membuat saya uring - uringan di hari itu atau hal sederhana yang menebarkan kebahagiaan. 

Saya memulai bulan Januari ini dengan berjalan - jalan di daerah Menteng bersama Mutia, one of my best friend and I'm so sure I'm going to keep her as my forever person. Tepat di hari tahun baru, yaitu tanggal 1 Januari. Entah ide datang dari mana untuk merencanakan hal ini. Tapi yang jelas, we need to get out from our houses and find a breath of fresh air. Sampai di daerah Menteng kebetulan sore hari dengan suasana yang mendung. Untungnya sudah sedia payung sebelum hujan.

Taman Menteng.

Ada satu tempat yang sebenarnya ingin kami kunjungi pada saat itu, namanya Paradigma Kafe. The hidden gem in Cikini, katanya. Namun karena cuaca yang tidak memungkinkan, kami membatalkan rencana itu. Toh jika nanti ke sana, kami juga tidak bisa menikmati suasana taman dengan rerumputan yang asik buat ngobrol - ngobrol dan chillax; chill and relax. Akhirnya kami putuskan untuk mencoba pizza dan gelato di Iceberg. Lokasinya masih seputaran Cikini dan dekat dengan stasiun.

Iceberg Pizza and Gelato, Cikini.

Selama berjalan - jalan menyusuri Menteng dan Cikini, saya terbesit satu jawaban atas pertanyaan yang dulu pernah saya ajukan. "Kenapa sih di Jakarta atau Depok nggak ada taman - taman kayak gini?" ketika saya menyusuri taman - taman di Bangkok atau Ho Chi Minh City. Ternyata saya yang salah dan sayanya saja yang kurang banyak jelajah. Pun di Depok juga sudah banyak ruang terbuka hijau yang bisa dikunjungi. Karena jujur, saya suka sekali taman kota maupun ruang terbuka hijau lainnya.

Arborea Cafe, Senayan. Another place that I've visited this January.

Well, sejatinya postingan ini tidak hanya untuk menceritakan bagaimana saya memulai tahun 2019. Tetapi juga bagaimana saya merefleksikan apa yang telah terjadi selama tahun 2018. Reflect to renew. Saya dapatkan kalimat itu dari Mark Pollard, salah satu strategic planning man yang selalu saya ikuti perkembangannya. One of an advertising guy that I look up to.

Mark dalam salah satu postingan Instagramnya menulis, "Writing is powerful. Reflection, too. There is a lot of compelling research about this. Humans have the gift and responsibility to establish what is meaningful to them. An inability to do this and then to act with courage to bring the meaning to life contributes to a lot of (definitely not all) mental health challenges." Dalam postingan tersebut Mark juga menyematkan sepuluh pertanyaan yang bisa dijawab kapanpun—tapi lebih baik sebelum pergantian tahun baru. Nah, di sini saya ingin coba menjawab kesepuluh pertanyaan tersebut. And let's see what can be reflected from my 2018 to renew my 2019.

1. What was the most significant decision you made this year? What has happened since you made it?

Di tahun 2018 ada beberapa keputusan penting yang saya ambil. Saya sadar bahwa saya akan lulus lebih lama dibandingkan teman - teman saya. I spent one semester in Phnom Penh as an exchanged student, then three months internship in one of a multinational advertising agency in Jakarta, also ± four months working in a local digital agency in Semarang. All those experiences came from my significant decision. Jujur, berat memang menjadi yang terlambat. Tapi karena saya sudah tahu akan terlambat, saya tidak ingin terlambat saya hanya 'terlambat' saja. I wanted to make it worth. What has happened since I made it? Well, along the way I met certain people that makes me so grateful I met them in life. Ada yang jadi teman baik, mentor (terpenting!), dan role model tentunya. Walaupun ada juga yang (maaf saya harus mengutip Ariana Grande di sini) "one taught me patience and one taught me pain". But hey, that's life. Every thing should be balanced, right?

2. Do you now have a skill you didn't have last year? Why did you develop it and how?

Thanks to my supervisor plus mentor, now I do have. It's about brand planning. He knew that I am so interested in advertising but still have no idea where I would belong. I really love the industry. Then he introduced me to brand planning and the skills how to be one; what brand planner needs to know and do. Jujur bukan hanya mengenalkan tapi juga mengajarkan, ini yang terpenting. Bukan sekadar memberikan files atau pdf bersangkutan tanpa ada diskusi setelahnya, big no. I can't be more thankful for having him as my mentor. Ah and not to mention for everyone whom I meet during my internship time and taught me a lot about brand planning and other skills that are needed in the advertising industry.

3. Did a stranger change how you see the world in a good way? How?

Ada. Bapak Gojek yang mengantarkan saya dari Stasiun Tebet ke Gran Rubina saat hari pertama magang. (Ampun, kenapa momen - momen ketika magang saya berkesan semua ya?). Terlepas dari kemacetan jalan waktu itu yang entah bagaimana kok parah sekali dan suara klakson mobil yang terdengar di mana - mana, si Bapak masih bisa looking at the bright side. Terharu. Lalu ditambah dengan rasanya commuterline pagi itu sesaknya nggak bisa dideskripsiin lagi, terombang - ambing dan roti tawar saya jadi penyet. Tapi dengan ketemu Bapak itu, saya jadi bisa ikut lihat sisi positifnya aja; saya nggak telat hari pertama. Bapaknya juga nggak lupa bilang, semoga sukses hari pertama magangnya dan cepat kerja. Rasanya kayak mau salim aja waktu itu.

4. Do you better understand yourself now compared to last year? How?

Yes, I do. Di tahun 2018 saya mulai paham diri saya bahwa I tend to keep everything for myself; feelings, thoughts, emotions. Benar - benar untuk diri saya sendiri. Salahnya adalah saya juga tidak menuliskannya. They are just there in my mind; the anguish trapped within me. And when I keep so much inside, it eats me from within. As a result, well, drastic mood swings and I tend to get offended on petty things without realizing it. Tanya salah satu teman saya yang pernah merasakan 'kesalahan' saya ini, ya benar, karena hal yang mungkin remeh ini akhirnya kami jadi berselisih. Sampai akhirnya saya menemukan fakta bahwa teman - teman saya yang lain ikut mendiskusikan dan mengambil kesimpulan bahwa, "Mungkin moodnya lagi nggak baik waktu itu, Nikita kan nggak kayak gitu (marah karena hal remeh)". Baik. Well, I hope I could communicate my thought, feeling and emotion better this year; still through writing. Dan juga tidak malu untuk mengakui bahwa perasaan yang dimiliki bukan perasaan yang baik - baik saja.

5. What was something you read this year that changed your mind about an important topic? How?

Hmm, tahun 2018 agaknya saya jarang membaca buku yang masuk dalam kategori life-changing books atau buku - buku yang dapat mengembangkan pikiran lalu mengubah cara pandang hidup. Lebih banyak novel yang saya baca dan saya suka Laut Bercerita serta Norwegian Wood di tahun 2018.

6. Did you have an epiphany in a phase or space you visited for the first time this year? Where? What was it?

A little epiphany happened to me in Kampot, Cambodia. It's a secret.

7. What did you learn from a client or customer this year? 

"Not everyone thinks the same way as you do."

8. What's the biggest thing in your way right now? How can you work through it?

Skripsi. Just do it.

9. What was the best show you binge-watched this year? What about it stuck with you?

Oh, it is always Friends and will always be Friends. It's like a feel-good tv show that keeps my mood stable and happy.

10. What's your word for 2019—one word to anchor your focus and action?

Rekindle. Yes, 2019 is going to be a goal-oriented year for me. But the suitable word for 2019 is rekindle. To rekindle my goals again; my dreams, and to rekindle the old flame with my north stars; people who are so much a part of us that they will be with us no matter what.

So let's hope this year is going to be awesome. Shall we?


Love,
NM.

60 Things to The One Who Was

001. Him: #simplejoy.

002. Senyumnya serius. #simplejoy.

003. I don't like the feeling when you're not around. I don't like hearing you talk with another girl.

004. Caught someone staring at me then smiled. Oh my goodness!

005. Someone is kind but cruel, smart but lazy.

006. I think you need an ice cube to lower your hotness.

007. That smell still lingers. That smile will be remembered.

008. I crave for you in this new year eve.

009. Can I have you instead of can I help you?

010. God always knows how to put the right person when I'm not in the right mood.

011. A heavy dose of you.

012. It's so funny when you try to make things better. And it seems it's easy for you.

013. A new habit, a new life. But the same you.

014. Oh, this is me talking and I’m going to tell you that I love our three seconds gaze.

015. The sweetest thing comes from your lips. No, not your words or even your kiss. It’s your smile.

016. It’s the pain that makes me love you.

017. Because we're here to complete each other, not to be together. Just like when you need help, I'll be there to help you.

018. I don't understand why someone can be so sweet as candy and so cold as stone at the same time.

019. Do you know how painful it is without talking to you every time we meet?

020. Talking about you, talking about me, and talking about us are awkward. But talking about her? Will never be awkward. Never. Even for me.

021. And it's really hard for me to say, even for a little hello.

022. Thank you for blinding your eyes.

023. Because right now, I don't adore you for who you are. But adore you for who you were.

024. You'll never know how much I hate you this time. Pain changes people, either their feelings.

025. It really surprises me to see you again, the real you. And still, you bring the oh-not-so-good impacts to my life.

026. If we were meant to be, I think our favorite place would be a bookstore. But in a different section, because our cup of tea is different.

027. I don't know whether it's a bad thing or not, but having you in my thought seriously bothers me.

028. You know you’re not my oxygen tank because I still can breathe without you, but you’re my energy tank (what? Sounds so weird? No probs because weird means unique. And if you think that energy is just suitable with drink after that word, I still don’t want to call you my energy drink because I can’t sip you) Maybe you wonder why I call you with that one because everytime I’m with you for doing nothing or just talking a little bit, you always bring back my energy.

029. Every time I spend with you are the times I won't regret.

030. The closer I look into your eyes, the less I see myself in there.

031. Something's missing from you. I don't know which part, but it seriously makes you look unattractive. Same with Andy F. Noya who just lost his curly hair.

032. You turn really cold.

033. Jadi kenangan gue sama lo udah dijual ke tukang ojek?

034. Even your scent stays longer than your presence.

035. Have you ever wonder that maybe your significant other is thinking about the other one she loves and not you?

036. I can’t imagine how miserable your life will be without her. Will you still be the one I know? Will you still be as cheerful as you? Will you still believe in love? Will you? Or you will back to be the one I loved the most? Oh no, it won’t happen because heartbreak never shapes yourself to be the old you. Please still be happy, you. Because I know, in the end, the important thing is knowing that you live your life happily rather than knowing how wistful I’m without you.

037. You're the reason why my brain can't produce dopamine perfectly and continuously.

038. Can we go back to the time when it's okay for us to talk to each other?

039. Teruntuk Seseorang yang Hampir Terjatuh di Tangga Siang Tadi: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Gue mau ketawa aja. Please don’t be angry with me. Remember that I used to laugh at you everytime you did a silly thing, right? Well, tapi gue sebel. Lo nggak hati - hati. Udah berapa tangga yang hampir dijatohin sama lo? Yes. It doesn’t sound so funny. Karena gue juga nggak mau ngelucu. Jatoh dari tangga itu akibatnya banyak. Bahaya. You should walk in a proper way after this, dear friend.

040. Well, I can make you so much happier if you want.

041. Jatuh cintanya gue sama UGM itu kayak jatuh cintanya gue sama doi. Jatuh banget. But I know, I will never get him anyway. Sakit? Iya! Luka? Bisa jadi! Trauma? Nggak. “Kenapa nggak bisa?” Bukannya gue nggak mau usaha, (yes, I’ll work hard and try harder for UGM. Gila kali.) Tapi keliatannya it’s impossible for me to get in, you know. Peluangnya maksud gue kecil. Ya kayak cinta diem - diem aja sih. Apa cinta dari jauh ya? Auk. Dan biarlah keinginan gue mau masuk UGM ini cuma diselipin ke setiap doa gue, kecil - kecil pelan - pelan, tapi semoga yang Besar denger.

042. Come home then love again, love.

043. You're like Jakarta, you're loved as well as you're hated.

044. Can I have your eyes a little while so I could see the things have made you happy for the past year?

045. How can your existence make me so hard to feel the air? And it always requires me to take a long deep breath every time I look at you.

046. I should be happy to know that you’re okay and you’re there, still online on your Skype account, but actually, it hurts me the most because I know I can’t reach you.

047. Even gue udah jauh dari Jakarta dan kaki gue udah nggak napak di permukaan yang sama tingginya kayak elo, you’re still here with me on my mind. Bromo, 2013.

048. We have seen the same sky each day, but why our feelings never could be the same?

049. Congratulation, dear you. For every wish you say. For every effort you do. For every failure you take and for every heartbreak you experience. You’re still the one who keeps your dream on track and finally you did it. A mining engineer, is that you I’m looking for?

050. Maybe meeting you was a mistake because I've found out that actually, I wasn't ready.

051. Even after all this time, you are still the one I prioritize.

052. Kalau ada satu kota yang selalu ingin dikunjungi, mungkin ini kotanya. But sadly, this city got me all the bruises back again.

053. Just so you know that I wish you will always be okay.

054. Because I know, in the end, the important thing is knowing that you live your life happily rather than knowing how wistful I’m without you.

055. You know? Even you give me a thousand pictures to see, there is none who can steal these eyes not to look at you.

056. This time I realize, those happy feelings you made that time could be a reason why you could be this hard to forget.

057. And you, you, always been an issue.

058. And that love is going to disappear.

059. I just want to make sure that I will always be remembered by you.

060. It is time to let go.

--Collected from my old Tumblr and Twitter; 2011 - 2017.

How Blind People Find Love

Photo by Rene Böhmer on Unsplash

When eyes can’t see, other senses play a huge role in loving someone. 

There is a statement out there telling that we can fall in love just by looking at someone—not only for men but also for women. Some would agree, but most of us choose not to—because well, we just don’t want to be judged as a shallow person. I asked some of my friends to validate this statement, I want to know whether it is right or not. One of my friends said that “No, it is not a love we are talking about. It is only lust. We lust after someone at the first sight.” Or another friend of mine said, “Well, I guess it is what we called attraction—not love? We cannot fall in love by just looking at someone.” 

Isn’t it attraction the first phase before going to a further phase—love? 

So, no matter how hard we try to oppose that statement, the truth is, we all know that it is possible for someone to fall in love with a look. The Guardian Lab on one of its article also says that “how we harness the eyes to “create” love has been the subject of decades of scientific study”. Yes, it is true that this topic is also interesting for the scientist, and even science says long gazes into each other’s eyes can form a love connection. 

“There are more neurons in the brain dedicated to vision than the other four senses combined—up to 80% of what our bodies take in is filtered through our eyes. And the eyes are not just windows to the soul, but also to neuron pathways that can form love connections in our brains.” – The Guardian Lab. Here we know that eyes really play a primary part for someone as a way to fall in love. 

Then, there would come a question, what if there is someone who cannot see—the one who is blind or sightless? If he couldn’t see, how can he fall in love? How does love work on him? In what way? Well, to answer those questions, I asked five different blind people with various backgrounds and stories. 

When we talk about love at a sightless couple or maybe a person, we think that they have a different approach to love someone since they cannot use their eyes. But when I asked Mr. Setyo (43 years old—married for 23 years) about this, his answer made me realize something:

“Kalau berbicara soal cinta pada pasangan tunanetra, mata memang tidak bisa jadi patokan kami. Tetapi cinta bekerja dengan cara yang sama. Cinta itu kan dari Tuhan, sifatnya fitrah. Bisa tumbuh di siapa saja.” 

Mr. Setyo, totally blind since he was born, said that love for him actually works the same way as normal people do—from attraction, attachment, then to love itself—though his eyes couldn’t help at all. But then he continued:

“Yang membuat beda itu cara pendekatannya. Orang kayak saya pasti beda dengan orang awas. Karena udah nggak bisa bergantung sama mata, kita pakai (indera) yang lain untuk kenal atau dekat dengan orang.” 

He said that what makes them (the sightless people) different in a way of loving someone is the approach. They approach other people with other senses. Other senses—than eyes—play a huge role to help them in loving someone. Thereupon, those create some factors on how sightless people become attracted to others that lead into love. Here are the factors:

The Tone of Voice and The Way They Communicate 

I asked Mrs. Sarmiyati (41 years old), the wife of Mr. Setyo who was partially blind then becomes totally blind at her teenage year, about the factor why did she fall in love with her husband. With her playful side, she answered:

“Kalau ditanya begini saya bingung, ya udah jodohnya kali. Udah takdir saya suka sama Bapak hahaha.” But not long after that, she continued: “Dari jaman sekolah sampai sekarang, Bapak itu pintar ngomong. Cara bicaranya enak didenger. Mungkin itu salah satu faktornya saya tertarik sama Bapak.”

I couldn’t agree more when Mrs. Sarmiyati told me like that, because it is true that Mr. Setyo is really good at talking. He really has a lot of knowledge and always answers my question in a clear and detailed way. But contrary to his wife belief, Mr. Setyo said that people shouldn’t rely on someone’s tone of voice, especially for the blind people.

“Suara itu tidak menjamin. Ada yang suaranya bagus tapi hatinya belum tentu bagus. Yang terpenting itu bisa menjaga komitmen dan kepercayaan, bukan hanya kata – kata yang keluar dari mulut.” 

Different person, different opinion—though they suffer the same thing. While Mrs. Sarmiyati could agree that the tone of voice can make someone fall in love, her husband, Mr. Setyo disputed it.

Besides the tone of voice, the conversation that is caught by ear also could be a factor for them to fall in love or be interested with someone. Most often in a relationship, communication is a key because good communication leads to a good relationship. Mr. Wawan (41 years old) said that he started to feel a harmony between him and his wife when they start to communicate and turns out she is very nice to talk to.

“Saya ketemu Ibu dulu di belakang Mercubuana. Pertama kali kenal, ngobrol dan ternyata dia enak diajak ngobrol. Dari situ langsung ngerasa ada kecocokan.”

The Intelligence and The Personality
We sometimes fall in love, adore, or be interested with someone who is so smart and bright; the one who knows and have a deep understanding of everything. That is why even now, there is a saying which tells, smart is a new sexy. Well, strongly agree with that. Also, it would be better if the smart ones have good personalities. Such a perfect combination! Well, no wonder those—the brain and the personality—could be factors on how sightless people fall in love as well—we are still human after all.

When it comes to brain and personality, Mr. Setyo confirmed that those things can be a reason for someone—who is sightless—falls in love.

“Saya tertarik dengan istri dari perilakunya. Perilaku yang baik seperti suka membantu kalau ada kesulitan, juga mengerjakan tugas bareng saat sekolah.”

With only two years of gap different, Mr. Setyo chose to tie the knot with his wife at the age of 21 years old while his wife was 19 years old. Now, he lives happily with five children from his marriage.

Besides Mr. Setyo, there is Mrs. Salamah (32 years old—married for 17 years) who also agreed with it. Mrs. Salamah is one of a humorous woman I have ever known. Talking with her is really such a joy—there is always a laugh in every conversation we have. I asked her the reason why she chose her husband, Mr. Maryono, to be her partner for life.

“Dulu waktu di asrama, Bapak sering nolong saya karena saya kan anak baru ceritanya. Bapak itu senior, saya juniornya. Selain baik, saya nilai Bapak orang yang pinter, dari situ deh mulai suka sama Bapak haha.”

Well I guess, it is proven that intelligence and good personality could be a factor that makes people fall in love; for us and for them.

The Feeling of a Different Connection 
Different from his wife, love works distinctly on Mr. Maryono  (41 years old—married for 17 years old). As a husband of Mrs. Salamah, he feels a different or a unique connection towards his wife. He just suddenly feel connected with her.

“Saya ketemu Ibu tahun 2000 awal di asrama. Pas kenal udah lumayan lama, ada perasaan yang beda, itu menurut saya.”

Most of the time, we also experienced the same way with Mr. Maryono. We couldn’t describe our feelings or the reasons why we love someone. We just feel a sudden connection. But there’s a slight difference between us who can see and people who are sightless: they are more sensitive to emotion than us.

“Saya ada rasa suka aja. Susah untuk dijelaskan, yang jelas saya yakin dan tiba – tiba kok sreg gitu sama Ibu.”

When I asked him what kind of a different connection is, he explained that it could be an attraction at first, then it gradually developed into a love. He said that he didn’t take a long time to be so sure about her that he wanted her for the rest of his life. The feeling of a different connection was way too strong.

The Physical Appearance
Who says that physical appearance doesn’t matter to people who are blind? Yes, it does. I was so surprised by the fact that physical appearance still matters to them. How did they know whether their partner is good looking or not? Well, the answer is by listening to their families, peers, and surroundings.

Mrs. Salamah is one of those people who falls for someone because of the physical appearance—but remembers, she also falls for her husband because he is smart and kind. When she told me that, “my husband is handsome—that’s why I like him.” I instantly asked her, “how do you know?”

“Iya bener kok, suami saya ganteng. Tinggi, putih, rambutnya keriting.” 

I am amazed, she even could describe his husband. He is tall, has fair skin and curly hair. Later I know that she only suffers from low vision, not totally blind. But then she also said that her family told her about that, they describe how Mr. Maryono looks and she loved it.

But still I wonder, is it true that physical appearance matters to them? “Not necessarily matter, but don’t you feel happy knowing that your partner is handsome?” Mrs. Salamah added. I guess I know the answer now. Their surroundings also take part in how they thought about their partners. They easily get influenced by their family and peers' opinion.

Well, to conclude, love works the same way as on people who are blind and as on individuals with sight—because we are human after all. Though it is true that sightless people cannot rely on their vision, but these factors, such as tone of voice, good communication, intelligence, personality, a feeling of a different connection, and physical appearance are things that we also happen to experience when we are in love. What makes it different only the sightless people are more dependent on other senses but eyes, since they play a huge role in loving someone.

But at the end of the day, the most important thing in building a relationship and finding love is by looking for someone we are comfortable and happy with, isn't?


Love,
NM.