To My Yellow Person

 

Photo by DM on Flickr

"Your yellow person is a person that may have saved you, in a way." 

Dear you, how are you coping?

It's been a while since we talked; in an honest way. I don't know whether you still trust me or not. Or I don't know whether you still consider me as your friend or not. But I hope you still do. 

Though us trusting each other, I guess, is a never-ending process. Because you tend to break the promise and then fix things up, while I right here tend to avoid breaking promises.

Remember the time I said to you that I could not afford to lose you? It's still relevant. 

Because your existence is not just a mere existence. Your existence helped me a lot. 

Your existence saved me, in a way. 

You brought a sense of comfort and safety in times of stress or uncertainty. Everything was uncertain to me; work-related. And there you were; coming in as a savior—bringing hope and remedy. I knew it well you were just doing your job—the bare minimum—things that I shouldn't consider to be the reason I was enamored. 

Oh, but how can I help? This girl right here was mesmerized by the things you've done. Your work was so thoughtful and well done. Unconscious, I fell even deeper. I got more attached. You were so convenient to me that makes me think that you could have been my person if only there was no such thing as a different creed.

Cause I couldn’t break through the barrier.

I knew from the start that you could be another distress in my life. The first time you walked into the room I said to myself "Oh, here we go again.." The one shouldn't be attempted; the one couldn't be obtained. I even wrote a blog, in Dec 2021, telling myself that I could not afford another broken heart. That time, I need to save myself. Especially from you.

But I didn't listen. 

Cause you're like a breath of fresh air, beyond compare. Yet in a world where our paths don't intertwine, I yearn for what I can't call mine.

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So, with my best, my very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
But most of all, when snowflakes fall
I wish you love, love, love
—Laufey, I Wish You Love

I hope you understand that no matter when, no matter where, and no matter how, I always want to see you win and I will be one of your biggest supporters. I hope you know I will always care and miss what we had.

I will be cheering you on from afar. From the sidelines. Cause now, I know my place, I drew the line. 

But someday I will heal, I'll grow another heart
And I guess until then, I'll endure the falling apart
I'll learn to love the quiet and forget what was said

—Eloise, Left Side

Love,

NM.

Dark Stormy Blue

Karimun Jawa, Agustus 2023.

Sinking ships, raging seas, and tumultuous hearts, love isn't easy for you. It's a struggle, a constant inner fight of should I? Can I? Do l? Feelings are hard and they rumble inside you in a dissatisfied mess that begs to be let out. Your heart screams and cries inside you and you.. You can't, you won't. You're scared. And love is scary, it's hard and sometimes it just doesn't work out. People leave, people hurt, people change their minds. And you and your cold stormy heart yearn for the calmness, for the distance, to be allowed and able to simply not feel. And yet, you do. It rages, it fights and storms inside you and you try to keep it down, keep it quiet, to feel pretending not to. It's the burn of childhood friends growing apart, of parents that aren't quite there, of relationships that burn out. So you snuff it down with water, cold and calming and blue, blue, blue. But being loved by you is blue too, just not in that way. It's the soothing, embracing feeling of floating, the moment when you sink down below the waves and become one with the water, with everything. It's the balance, the dramatic yet calming sound of waves that crash against a rocky shore. You're the good and the bad, the violence of the storm and the watery peace right after. You're the blue, blue feeling and loving you is watery tears, yelled confessions that no one will hear and burying your feelings in a deep watery grave never to be found out about. Your love is dark stormy blue, it's vast and deep and all encompassing, it's safety in the surface of danger, it's trusting the unruly abyss and yet I'd gladly risk drowning just to feel what it's like being loved by you.

Love,

NM.

To The Fresh Breeze I shouldn't Have

Photo by Benjamin Sow on Unsplash

If I had to mention the exact time when you start getting my attention, it'd be on the twenty-fourth of December; the Christmas eve. I don't think it was your smile to make me bewitched at first, but your serious look. It was so deep; so pensive that I want to deep dive into your mind. What were you thinking? 

Then I was captivated by your smile. It looks so good on you. So contagious that it spreads joy. I secretly hope you won't stop smiling despite everything you've been through. 

If I could be honest, I long for this kind of feeling; like, admiration, or fondness? You make me realize that it's been so long since I've felt this way. You're completely like a fresh breeze on a summer's day.

But sadly, you're the fresh breeze I shouldn't have. 

I cannot afford another broken heart. This time, I need to save myself,

Love,

NM.